Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Search For My Lost Faith
Category:	Meditation
Date Posted:	Thursday, 10/12/2006 10:26 AM MDT

Sat Sri Akalji,

First of all I really want to thank all the moderators for doing such a wonderful job at guiding and helping people in need. I am 33 yrs old and am really struggling with my faith in Waheguru. Six years ago I first learned about the importance of waking up at amritwela and doing nitnem and I started doing it. I did it religiously for almost 2 years, even became a vegetarian. Sometimes life improved and sometimes it got worse but I never lost my faith. It kept growing stronger each day, I would automatically wake up at amritwela to do my paath and I reached a point where I was reciting the sukhmani sahib in my sleep too. Then I got involved in an affair with a guy and lost my discipline not because I didn't have time but because it was a very stressful relationship which caused a lot of pain and I lost my concentration. Since then I have tried to get back that devotion and discipline but I have been unsuccessful. I have even done couple of chaliyas (40 days) of waking up at amritwela but once it's over I stop again. I have been involved with a couple guys to get married but every time I did, for some stupid reason it didn't work out. Either because of caste, my lack of education or because I didn't want to be intimate before getting married. Being pressured from my family I am finding hard to concentrate on anything at this time and don’t want to get married to someone I don’t like. My father left us 15 years ago with no money & support so I wasn't even able to finish my schooling. But now I am going to school and have 2 more years to graduate. The need for a partner is driving me crazy, again the same question why me. I totally understand that this is God's will but where do I get my serenity from. I am just dwelling in self pity and depression that what is it that is wrong with me, why doesn't any one like me or why do I keep bumping into wrong people all the time. I have had patience for the past 15 years but now it seems like I am just ready to blow. I am very grateful to God for his blessings but at the same time can’t get over the fact that time is running out. I see all the chaos and terror happening in the world which gives me a total different perspective of my situation but it's just temporary and I am back in my depression. I do listen to waheguru and moolmantra simran pretty much all day even at work, try to recite it when I am not able to listen. I don't eat unless I hv done japji sahib paath everyday but find it hard to wake up at amritwela just because I don't have that drive in me anymore. Can you please help me, is there anything I can do to get it back. I know it's inside me but I just can't find that peace and faith.

(REPLY) Sat Nam. I have read your posting carefully, and I do pray that you can overcome this "dark night of the soul" that you are experiencing. The first thing that came to my mind when you said, "time is running out" is that the Rehit Maryada, our code of conduct translates to "constant remembrance of death." If we truly felth and understood that each day may be our last -- none of us knows even if God is going to give us the next inhalation ! then all other concerns fade in comparison to establishing and maintaining our deep devotion to the God and Guru. Whatever we go through in life is a lesson we need to learn, based on the karma that we ourselves have created --- I think you know that! It's being able to "keep up" when we don't have that strong drive that builds our strength. Unfortunately, it seems as if we have to be tested, and if it were always easy, we would not grow through overcoming the challenge of inertia. I know many girls/women think (and their families insist) that getting married is the answer to happiness. Well, it isn't. It can be a means, a way to live happily -- or not! True happiness has to come from within, from experiencing your soul. That's why the recitatioin of the banis is so useful. Anyway, I might suggest three things to rekindle the spark of your devotion. First: definitely recite Jaap Sahib without fail every day. It will give you strength, and restore the self-esteem you need. Second, and this is very simple, Whenever you can, sit quietly with your eyes closed and breathe long and deep (through the nose)thinking SAT as you inhale, and NAM as you exhale. 5 minutes of this can be very useful. And finally, listen to the "Mantra for a Miracle" - DHAN DHAN RAM DAS GUR -- preferably play the CD overnight. Pray to have your faith and your commitment to your practice restored, and I know it shall happen. May God bless you and Guru take you by the hand and lead you out of darkness, into Light! SP