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Summary of Question:	Dirty
Category:	Meditation
Date Posted:	Sunday, 6/09/2002 9:10 AM MDT

i am sorry for asking this but i don't feel i could get the answer from anyone else or ask anyone else. i am a 20 year old girl, and i feel so dirty. i have lost my virginity and had intercourse with 4 people. i have been with a boy for 5 years and wanted to marry him. i made a big mistake 3 years ago when i cheated on him. i since denied it, when he found out, and swore on God, that nothing happened. i feel like i am worth nothing now as i lied so much to the greatest power. he has beaten me and even cheated on me, but nothing seems to happen to him. i am constantly abused and sworn at and i think this is because i lied on God. he has also lied but i cannot prove it. he is leaving me now and says he just used me, and calls me a slag and that i am dirty and no children should come from me. although i am deeply depressed at this i have found console reciting the Naam.. this has brougth me closer to respecting GOd and wanting to be with him. i have no self worth and hate my self. i feel dirty and inferior to everyone. i am doing well in my studies and my family are well respected. i guess al i want to do is makeit up to GOD, i want him to see me as his slave and i don't think i'm doing enough. i cry everytime i think of him, i feel his presence but i am so confused and depressed. i feel i should die, but i also feel that i didn't know enough about people so i made studip mistakes, i had low self esteem and i felt better with male attention. i dont feel anypne would marry me and my name will be dirt forever. i had being myself. i LOVE GOD and i want to know he loves me but how can he when i have done such bad things. the boy has manipulated my mind to hate myself and caused me to be scared of everything, he has psychologically messed me up. i dont know how to prevent this as i want it all to stop, i want this pain to go away, and i try and pray every morning. still ther are times that i question whether this wil help. im so confused please help me. i cant tell u how much i need help. thank u so much

(REPLY) Sat Nam. If you want to change your life, you can. there are stories in history of some of the worst "sinners" thieves and murderers who have become saints. It is a matter of changing your actions, your "habits." Only you can make that decision, and only you can build your own self-esteem. You have to put the past behind you, and commit to living as a graceful Khalsa woman. Stay away from boyfriends and learn to stand on your own two feet and feel your own grace and power as a woman. A woman should never depend upon a man to make her feel worthwhile (or not!) We attract to ourselves the people and circumstances that provide us the lessons we need to learn in this lifetime. It's about time you stop repeating the same lesson over and over. Meditate and pray every day (before sunrise is the most effective time). If you truly want to change your life, then be aware of how you walk, how you talk, how you dress, how you relate, and how you worship, and make each of those areas of your life saintly. There is a very effective meditation for changing (replacing negative )habits and that is the SA TA NA MA meditation. Also, call on Guru Ram Das, the Lord of Miracles, and chant DHAN DHAN RAM DAS GUR shabd 11 times a day. God loves all of us, no matter what we do, the problem is we don't love ourselves, and that causes us the pain. May God and Guru bless you with wisdom and courage. SP