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Summary of Question:Where Am I Wrong ???
Category:General Q's from Non-Sikhs
Date Posted:Tuesday, 8/27/2002 3:02 AM MDT

Sat Sri Akaal

I am not a sikh, but a true devotee of Sikhism, regularly go to Gurudwara...and having strong faith in Wahe guru. I feel pleasure to be on this site.....Recently I have experienced something explosive in my life.......and finding nobody to help me.

I have gone through most of the questions, and found no answer to my satisfaction.

I have a true friend of whom I treat as a part of my heart. I think we both love each other. We take care of eachother for everything.....and cannot live without eachother.

Couple of months back, we were just friends, now we are something much more than that. We exchanged our views on all topics.....including SEX.

By having Positive Sex talks.....I realized that I am getting attracted towards him......and started having sex desire from him.....he verbally supported for everything and this continued for almost more than a year.

He ofcourse participated in all sex talks positively and actively......may be not seriously (which I was not aware of).....and ........once we got a chance to meet and exchange love.....I was really shocked and disappointed......all was just nothing.....and he simply refused just by saying......HOW CAN THIS BE POSSIBLE ???.....After that I started hating my self......

I was attracted towards him from my heart and loving him in a true sense and I was thinking that we LOVE eachother....Infact I got attracted towards him because of the talks initially started by him.....otherwise I could never have even thought for the same.

When I got this disappointment......I have started hating myself.....and feeling it was not love 'PYAR, but it is 'VAASNA'....???

Now I donot feel like showing my face to my True Friend.... I feel I have hurted giving him a pain.....He still supports me.....and having no change in his behaviour towards me......but I hate myself now.....and hiding myself from everyone.

Can god forgive me for my this act ??? I am really disturbed and depressed.....finding no words from no-one who can give me relief......Can you please Help ?????

Best Regards


Sat Siri Akal.

Dear One,

First - bless you for your courage in writing in about this. As to your question - where am I wrong? Darling, everything is God's Will so don't have any fear or worry that you did anything wrong. What happened, happened. Now's the time to find the lessons in it.

Let's see if we can put all this in the proper perspective.

I'm not sure what you mean by "Positive Sex Talks." But let's just talk about the facts of life for a few moments. Sex does not begin with physical contact. It begins through communication. And that is something that you've learned the difficult way, but a very important lesson to take into your future. When you speak with a man about sex - even if it is just as friends and you are just talking about it to share notes or get information - it is a perfectly natural and normal response for those conversation to stimulate the desire for intimacy and union. You have to know what you are as a woman. You are the Primal Creative Power of God. Anything that is born on the earth must come through you. Sexuality is your power because you create the future with the choices you make today. Without you, man is totally impotent to create anything. A woman has a very natural longing for union with a man, and a very real need to express her creativity through that union. The issue is that you must be aware - WHAT ARE YOU CREATING?

I'm not just talking about babies, here. Babies are only one possible outcome of the union between a man and a woman. When a woman shares her creative power with a man, she helps him fulfill his dreams, she assists him in his ambitions, she even helps craft his personality because - based on how she interacts with him - some parts of his personality will be accented, while others will be diminished. So know your power, know the natural longing in you to express that power, and then very consciously become master of that power so you choose what you create in relationship with a man.

Now - what happened. You talked with him about sex. You love him as a friend. The very natrual desire to share your creative power came forward. And what did he do - he accepted that power to a certain extent. He was willing to have talks with you - which is a form of intercourse. But when it came to fully expressing it, he backed down. Why? Because taking that step is a huge commitment, a huge responsibility. So - look inside yourself and honestly assess it. Where you wanting to commit to him and sex would have been a way to express that commitment? Or was it just that you wanted to enjoy the feelings of desire and see where they led? There's no guilt either way, but being honest with yourself about it will help you sort out this situation. If you were looking for a commitment - then you have to accept the fact that he wasn't interested in going to that depth with you. There's pain in that. There's rejection in that. But it isn't something life-shattering. It's far better to know he's not interested and get on with your life. There's nothing more silly than a woman who pines away for a man who won't have her. What's the point? Life's too short, and if you can let it go and move on - you'll be giving yourself more chances at happiness.

If, however, this really was about lust - then you have to come up with some strategies about how to handle those energies. Lust is real - same as anger, pride, attachment. All the poisons exist. And they're poisons because they poison us against ourselves. If you pretened that you have no desire - then it will become a subconscious neurosis with you and that will lead to endless trouble. But maybe you just need to look in the mirror and say - hey - I'm a woman, I have desires, this is the way God made me, for goodness' sake. No point in denying it. Now - what am I going to do about it? And then be responsible to yourself. Desire is powerful, but you should never indulge it in any way that will lead you down the path of pain. So - maybe it's time to take cold showers, to take up a serious sport, to learn painting - something that allows you to take that sexual energy and channel it in a direction that will support your excellence rather than undermine your grace. This is easier said than done. Believe me. I KNOW. But - if you want some motivation as to why it is better for you to learn to command your sexual energy rather than be a victim to it - just look around and talk to girls who got pregnant as teen-agers, or who have gotten their hearts broken through love affairs. If you play with fire - you'll get burnt. Your sexual energy is fire. So learn how to manage it and it can become fuel for other things in life.

As to what to do with your friendship now. Well, best thing is for you to be comfortable. If you are not comfortable talking to him - then don't talk to him. This isn't about him, anyway. It's about you and your relationship with yourself and your sexuality. Engage him only when it feels comfortable for you to engage him. Otherwise, everytime you see him or talk to him - it is just going to remind you of all of your unresolved feelings and that will make you uncomfortable, it will make you feel embarassed. So - let the friendship fade into the background for a while and focus on yourself. And for goodness' sake, love yourself. What is this "hate" myself? I know how embarassing these things can be. Men and women have been trying to figure out how to interact with each other for thousands of years, and no one has gotten it right yet. So relax. True friendship can handle a little space. Focus on you, figure out your strategies for dealing with your sexuality, interact with him where you feel comfortable and confident, and thank the Guru that he didn't take you up on your offer. That is a huge blessing in this because whatever pain you feel now is nothing compared to the pain you would have felt if he had gone to bed with you and then dropped you later. You are a very lucky young woman and God loves you very very very much.

So do I. You're great. Be great.


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