Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Looking For Help
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Sunday, 1/14/2001 10:41 PM MST

Hello,

I have been trying to find someone to talk to about my problems. The truth of the situation is that I am not sure if I really have a problem - or I am creating the problem in my mind. My first issue is regarding my parents. I have never had a really good relationship with my mother. I am not really certain why. We never really talked, or spend 'quality' mother-daughter time together. I now feel angry and upset because I feel that I am the one who is being critisized by my parents that I am the reason for why my mother and I do not get along. We get along better than my brother and she does - yet she loves him more. She is willing to do more for him than me. Which confuses me because I am not sure whether it is because she wants me to be more independant as a woman or, as pointed out by my father, she tends to favor boys - easily forgiving them because they tend to "misbehave." My family brought my brother and I up as a Canadian style family with equal treatment for both my older brother and I. Late
ly, now that my brother and I are at university my parents are now again by themselves. The time that they have been spending together, alone, has enabled them to foster a better relationship than there was before. I am happy to see my parents so content in one another's company. I have prayed for this. However, I also feel lonely and depressed because my parents seem to be too busy for me now. When I come home for the weekend they do not talk to me as much as they did before ( I guess who I really mean is my dad - my mom and I really don't talk other than superficial chit chat ). My dad and I were really close - he was my best friend. I don't feel that way anymore. He seems too busy with his company. Generally our conversations are limited to the work he would like me to have done for his company - paperwork etc... I feel so lonely. I have never been the type to really have friends outside of my dad and other family members. So, now that my dad is so busy, and my mom is constantly talking to him -
so I can't.. I feel so alone. I feel depressed. I was depressed last year for many reasons. I was not doing well in school - and I want to become a doctor; I felt that my dad really wasn't supporting me anymore and other things. So, during the summer I was depressed - and I tried telling him how I felt, but he shrugged it off as "my normal childish behavior" wanting total attention. I do not feel that this is how I was acting. One day when I got really upset he yelled at me and said things that made me even more depressed. It made me think, really hard, as to what my father really thought of me and who I was. The next day he apologized - I never asked him why. I remained depressed until the end of the summer. I have become depressed again. I have so many faults. I know them all, and can see them clearly. I pray for help to fight them everyday, yet I have so much difficulty. All of my problems that I listed above, they make me sad. I am waiting for the right time to talk to my father about it..
. but he is always busy. I can't talk to my mom - because she won't understand. I feel stupid and childish and I want to snap myself out of this. I hate how things are. I don't know what my parents are thinking, or if the even realize that I never talk anymore, I am never happy, and I just sit quietly without hugging anyone or calling 4 times a day home as I usually do. The fact that they don't ask me what is wrong makes me feel worse. I have considered seeing a therapist - but I am scared that they will make my problems seem so big and make it worse. I realize that my problems are so inconsequential when compared to children who do not have parents, who are not so blessed as I am (materially and immaterially) yet, in my little world it seems like a big problem. Maybe all of these sentiments are those that are of a child who should be an adult by now, but hasn't ( I am 20 )become one.
My second problem is that I want to become a doctor more than anything in the world. Yet I feel that I am letting myself down, that I can work many times harder than I am. I don't know what is the cause of this. I have spent time introspecting - trying to determine what is the exact cause of my major faults. Such as my attitude problem, mai, vanity and pride. And, I have just realized that I have a low self esteem. This comes as a surprise to me, as I have always thought that I had such a a great level of esteem and self worth - yet I have found that I feel so insecure. When my mother remarked how pretty the picture of the oldest daughter at a house that my family was visiting, I walked away without saying anything. I offended her family, and possibly ruined the relationship between our families. I sat and really thought about why I would do something like that - I came to the realization that I am insecure - that if my mother thinks that she is pretty, nice etc - that my mother will love her more t
han me, and by putting the girl down, somehow that makes her worse - and me better. It is so sad. I never ever thought that I was this type of a person - even though I often quote my favorite sayings, I realize now that I am the very person these quotes speak of. So, I want to be a doctor. Should I be ? When I pray - I read the english translations - they read that whatever will happen to us is written on our foreheads - which I intrepret to mean that my future and "destiny" are already mapped out by God. Does that mean that things cannot change ? Does that mean that I will never change, never improve ? I don't beleive that - yet the thought lingers. I feel that if you work hard enough for something, and try your hardest to be a good person things will always work out. Yet, everywhere I look I am unhappy, and see all of the mistakes that I make - and also the hurt I feel about my parents.
I have written to you, my mass of jumbled thoughts because I need help. I feel guitly when I pray to God for help. I don't know what to do. What I do know is where I want to be, which is on a straight path to where I want to go, and to be successful on that road. I want to be happy and I want my best friend back.
Please help me with your impartial advice and guidance

Thank you.

********
REPLY
********

Dear Kaur of the Guru--

Sat Siri Akal. Yes, you need someone to talk to. Not being able to relate to one's mother can create of lot of difficulty. I must tell you right away I am the oldest daughter and for half my childhood the ONLY daughter and my mother was harder on me than her 4 sons. Years later my father told me what your father told you. Apparently, it is not an uncommon occurrence!

You must stop trying to psyche out your mother. If she is not going to be teh mother you need right now, find a female mentor in your university or even a good female counselor who can help you with that. Yes, if you can manage a (female) therapist, I urge you to do so. I would not say your problems are clinically serious, but clearly you are troubled and your grades suffer as a result.

Another thing I can advise from my own experience is that your father feels, I think, a little caught in the middle; he is married to your mother, and this is his primary responsibility now, in their later years. So your relationship right now is not so close. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you; I am sure that both your parents love you in their own way. But the relationship has shifted, and maybe later it will shift again to something closer. Understand that these things happen in life; at the time you feel like the rug is out from under you but our relationships with all the people in our life do indeed shift over time. I know this because I have moved SO many times I have had to love and leave people again and again. Parents are different, but not terribly so.

It is time to consider that you are daughter of Guru Gobind Singh and Mata Sahib Deva and not of your parents. You might want to consider becoming baptised, but that is not a requirement to feel you are still daughter of both. It is a way of making the split all of us must make from our parents. Know that God alone is the one Who approves or disapproves. Yes, we need encouragement, but you can get this by spending time with your spirit in bani and Naam Simran, and you will start to feel the presence of Waheguru within you, guiding you and approving you. As you practice more and more, you will find your circle of friends shifting to people who appreciate your meditative mind. Commit to doing this a certain amount of time every day, but start with a manageable amount, such as 22 minutes or so.

As for the depression, it is partly because you feel like your circle has broken and you have not replaced it. You have looked to your family for your self-esteem and approval, and when that ceased (or appeared to cease) it has thrown you for a loop. Self esteem comes from within, without question.It is hard won and we must work to maintain it. I recommend a couple of things to shift your depression. (First, you may need some clinical help or a prescription for it; if you see a therapist they can guide you on this.) Non-medical things you can do for depression are many. (1) cold showers (not baths) where you rub your body with oil then jump in the shower and rub your body til the water no longer feels cold. Rub your whole body. (2) hard physical exercise, or any REGULAR physical exercise. In addition, if you can find a good yoga class, this will do MUCH for the chemical aspects of your depression (meaning how the natural chemicals in your body act and react in relation to our emotions). (3) Do something that
takes you out of yourself; volunteer work is great for this. It can be ANYTHING that serves someone in some way, on a regular basis. Free kitchen seva, tutoring in subjects you know well, Big Sister activities, etc. Universities and communities have countless ways to volunteer; just make sure you (a) make the commitment and (b) carve regular time in your life to keep the commitment. (4) STOP STOP STOP beating yourself up and looking at your mistakes. I know the damage of it because I have had my own problems in this way. You must look for things that make you feel serviceful and useful. You are young, so perhaps you have not had so much time to do this. But in Gurbani, Kabir says we criticize the Creator when we criticize others; well, we are those others. ("Aval Allah Noor Upa-i-aa" shabd). Waheguru made you for a reason. Go out there and find it, and live it. You are Divine in your own right as a child of Waheguru. You have had a bad spot in your life but DECIDE to come out of it and show yourself you can b
e what you want to be.

As for being a doctor, if this is what you really want, then DO IT. If you have felt this call a long time, then it must be part of why you are here. Destiny on the forehead does not refer to the day to day ups and downs, but to the whole of our life and existence. Gurbani tells us that remembering the Naam brings us divine Peace of Waheguru. If you are already reading Gurbani and looking to it for guidance, then you can rest assured that you have this much destiny: To be Sikh of the Guru and meditate on Waheguru. But how far you go is up to you and your commitment. This is true of anything we attempt.

But don't start medical studies till you get your depression under control as above. As you start to shift out of it, you will find new friends who you can connect with positively who will be supportive of you. Meanwhile don't expect too much from your parents and brother now. Forgive them for hurting you, and love them as your family (for you were born to them for a reason) but move on into your adult life by taking responsibility for creating your life as you would like it to be.

God bless you with health & happiness,
-DKK