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Summary of Question:	Love/Arranged Marriage
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 3/04/2002 2:21 PM MST

Do you guys believe in Arranged Marriages or Love Marriages? Because, if you have love marriages, you would need to date people and I know that is not allowed. How does it work? I'm really confused.

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Sat Siri Akal, ji.

Well a lot of people have a lot of different views on this, but I'll tell you my views. I think there's merit in both types of marriages and it's really up to you which way you want to go.

Arranged marriages have the benefit that (ideally) people who know you and love you connect you with someone who they believe will suit your personality and make a good match. You start off as married, so the commitment is already there and that takes away a lot of insecurities. Marriage is hard work, and you start working on it right away-getting to know each other, learning to live together. There's a lot of security in doing it this way.

On the other hand, there is merit in getting to know someone for yourself and making the decision yourself. It's very empowering to take command of your life and rely on your own judgement (with counsel of family and friends, of course) for one of the most important decisions you will ever make. There are many ways to get to know someone before marrying them that do not involve "dating." You can be together with each other in a group of friends and get to know each other. You can go out with a chaperone. The key is that you don't want to start a physically intimate relationship with someone unless you have a strong commitment in the form of a marriage agreement. It is just too painful to have a deep relationship with someone, get to know them on intimately, without a commitment. Commitment is everything.

In any event, whether or not you choose your partner yourself or allow your family to choose your partner, remember that your happiness in life depends on you and no one else. Marriage requires commitment, mutual respect, communication and the willingness to do the work to stay together for the long haul. In the end, it doesn't matter whether you marry for love or not-because what is required is the same. A marriage is not fueled by romance, but by the decision from both partners that, no matter what, we'll do what it takes to make it work.

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa
Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh.

GPK