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Summary of Question:	Inlaws Torture
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 12/19/2001 3:19 PM MST

Sat Shri akal ji

i have married since 7 months& i am 22 years old,I am facing very difficult situation.My father in law forced my husband ,when my hubby was in India for meeting me first time,to do anand karaj ,my father arranged everything hurriedly & we got married the next day.after that i stayed in India for 2 months then i came to us .after that starts my pitiable story.my father in law never allowed me to meet my own cousin sister .never allows me to go to my own mammajis place who fixed this rishta.my mother in law always wants that my husband should scold me.whenever i go somewhere she is always with me bcoz she is afraid that I should not tell this to anybody that they torture meWhen I wa ill she told my husband not to take care of me,I have started having a heart problem bcoz she taunts me the whole day ,father in law says bad things for my parents he called them bastard & my mama as stupid .I stay quite bcoz my husband wants me to do so.i cannot work bcoz I don't have a wor permit ,& I am a computer science graduat

e.they all make fun of india.my father curses me that I donot earn money .My hubby donot wants to get separated bcoz they say if he gets separated they will never see our face again .I am not allowed to talk to my husband freely.we have to look for an excuse to go out to spend time toghether ,Whenever i am away they tell my hubby bad things about me .my husband is getting away from me,he says he will never get separated.when i tell my father in law that i am afraid of him he says that he is not going to rape me.he calls me mad.i just want a peaceful life with my husband I have not enjoyed a single day peacefully with my husband.whenever we got out they call us on phone and call us back.what should i do?

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REPLY
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Dear One:
Your ailments do not surprise me, as there is little human love in your life. Your complaints are not uncommon in such situations, which happen all too often.
For your own peace of mind, FIRST (1) meditate meditate meditate and chant the Naam. That whole house you are in will be better if someone meditates, and it may as well be you, dear. This will give you the holy strength and some inner peace.
Second recommendations are up to you and they will take courage. I'm an American woman who does not believe anyone should be disrespected and who does not accept it from anyone. My reply here reflects that. If you feel you cannot leave the situation, then fight back. Give it right back. Don't give it back meanly, but the next time you are hassled for not working, look your father in law STRAIGHT in the eye and be still for a minute. Stare and hold his eyes, and then firmly and quietly say, "well, if you would be so kind as to arrange a work permit for me then I could work." Do you see? Give it right back, but do it righteously, not as a reverse power trip, but to force a positive change in the situation.'

You are allowing your victimization to continue and the way to start pulling yourself out of it is to STAND UP for yourself. Your husband should be doing this for and with you. Clearly he hasn't the guts to do so, because he is afraid of being thrown out by his father, who also disrespects him. If you think about it, you have little to lose by standing up for yourself. There is some idea that because someone is our parent they are 'deserving' of respect. Be a Sikh warrior princess and respect only those who are worthy of respect, and ignore the rest. If a parent abuses his child then the parent is not worthy of respect from the child, and 'respect' from fear is not respect, it is a power trip. Draw a line inside yourself, the one that says "cross this and you cross me" and as you build that strength in your inner being, your outer world will shift to recognize that. But you must take the first step. Guru rakha
-DKK