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Summary of Question:	Confused And Fearful To Take A Decision
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 11/14/2008 10:09 AM MST

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh,

I'm 29 year old guy, married since last more than 2 years. I have been looking around on sikhnet to find answer to my problems. Though some are related but i still have some doubts/concerns for which i need answers.I have been through bad times in all phases of life to which i took as lessons and moved ahead but what I'm going through is something I'm not able to understand. I got married in 2006 and till today i haven't experienced what a happy married life is? Since second day of our marriage my wife started having some health issues and the only place i visited after my marriage for next 6-7 months was doctors and hospitals. After all her medical investigations, which continued for around 5-6 months,she was diagnosed with tuberculosis of the intestine. It was very shocking but I accepted it as Waheguru's will and decide to be with her all the time and support her all the way and get her best medical treatment possible. I supported her all the way, did what all she wanted but she always pressurized me to not to discuss about her health problem with me or her parents, to which also i agree and never told my and her parents about it.
Even after all this, she started pulling away from me and in less than month of our marriage she shouted her decision in front of her dad saying "I want divorce from him". It was the biggest blow in my life as i always lead a simple life, always stopped myself from getting into any kind of wrong relationships and kept a distance. I always wanted to be true and committed to my life partner only, never expected anything much from her except being a simple good human being, who should respect elders and always thought of spending my whole life peacefully and gracefully with my life partner.

Despite all my efforts, she never stayed with me for a long time, in more than 2 years of our marriage, we hardly stayed together for 6 months and that too without any kind of good and satisfying relationship. Most of the times she used to stay back to her parental house and if I'm going to take her or convince her, the only thing i used to get is insult and rejection. There was always fight and quarrel on petty things which can be neglected.

She never has discussed about her past with me, though she keeps saying she has a disturbed past, whenever i tried to talk to her, she pulled back.

Many incidents has happened in 2 years which pulled me also away from her, gradually convincing me, that we are not meant for each other.
She also used to talk on phone locking herself in a room, in whispers or keeping a safe distance from me. If i used to move near she used to disconnect quickly and never ever allowed me to touch her phone. I even once found a bottle of vodka half -consumed in our car when she was in her parental house and i went to visit her(the bottle came in my hands incidentally). When i pulled that bottle out and asked her for explanation,she fumbled and was shocked to see how i found that bottle. None of us in family consumes alcohol and she alone was having the access to the car. I didn't put any blame on her and just asked her what is this doing in our car, she herself started shouting on me that i don't trust her and a fight started there. 2-3 times she has been away from house without telling me or anyone where she has been and if i tried to inquire, the answer is same with a quarrel, i don't trust her. She has always been in telling lies to everyone including our families, even if we have gone to gurudwara, she used to pressurize me to tell something else instead of actual place where we went. She tried to control me by all the ways possible and tried every way to pull me away from my parents by putting blames or wrong allegations on them, which i clarified and came out with truth. She always held me and my parents responsible for her own miseries in life.

I even took her to psychologists, psychiatrists and both of us went for many counseling sessions with marriage councilors but all in vain. It didn't benefit our relationship anyway. I did all whatever was possible for me, even going out of my limits to make her happy.

Finally, we got separated in mid 2007 and still living separately. Till last year December, i was not able to convince myself for divorce, which she always
demanded from me since less than month of our marriage. I was trying to make the marriage work but finally i also gave up and we decided for a mutual divorce in January this year in front of our parents. I sent her the papers but now she refuses to sign them and says she wants to come back and stay with me.

Now I'm in a big dilemma, what to do here, whether to accept her back or no, as its been more than 1.5 year we are living separately.

I'm not able to convince myself that i can give her same love and i can trust her the same way i did earlier. I'm not complaining here or holding anyone responsible about what all happened, i take this also as Waheguru's will, I'm only looking forward to a solution/suggestion by which the agony and pain both families have been going through, can be ended.

Her whole family has been very supportive to me through out this period and i don't want them also to be in pain because of one decision of mine but at same time cannot keep me and my family in pain by accepting her, as there is no guarantee same incidents or same things won't happen again. Even now also when i speak to her and ask her why she did all that,
the only answer is "it was all very unfortunate". I feel she's taking this decision under family or social pressure as she's still not discussing anything
with me openly.I used to pray to Waheguru to sort out everything and pull me out of this but today i stand at a very difficult position. I always have
bowed in front of Guru Granth Sahib and prayed to Waheguru in tough times but today i feel all dark inside and around me. The only thing i feel afraid from in this world is waheguru and i firmly believe in karma. I know whatever i have been going through must have been my karm's somewhere and i always keep praying to waheguru for forgiveness and show me the right path. I'm writing all this in sikhnet as i realized there are extremely enlightened souls here who can show me the right path in this phase of darkness.

Today I'm totally broken in all the ways and have to stay out of my family because of circumstances, which puts me in more depression feeling. I try to calm myself by doing japji sahib, chaupai sahib, rehras sahib daily and going to gurudwara, sitting there in guruji's hazoori. I occasionally do dukh bhanjni sahib too.What all other banis can help me in finding the right path and enlighten myself?

A lot can be added more, which was worse than what i wrote above but i will end it here and hope to hear back soon from blessed souls at sikhnet.
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reply
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Dear one,
You have had many challenges and many disappointments.
I have heard you say that you have supported your wife and have gone
along with her demands and strange behaviors.

It is important to explain to a wife what you expect from her and
insist that she comply. Your description of your relationship gives
the picture of a very troubled person. But she needs to help herself
and take steps to improve her behavior and her habits....without your help.
She is the only one who can correct herself. Why drag you along?

As she is living in fear and torturing you, indicate that you are not willing to stay together as it has been and even as it is now.

Live your life without her and find your happiness for now. If she can change her attitude and prove her willingness to be a supportive wife and partner then
it makes sense to continue. When she demonstrates a healthy attitude and
helps herself correct her bad habits you could welcome her back.
This is the only pressure you can give to her to motivate her to change.So continue the separation. (Even filing of divorce papers can be the pressure
that is needed to wake her up)

Marriage is a partnership and it takes cooperation of two people. If one person is not involved then there is no partnership. Stop the beating of yourself.
Let her know that there is no co-operation on your part until she demonstrates
some major changes. Leave it at that and leave it to God. You are not being punished, you are just being challenged. Run and sweat and drink lots of water,
do Sukhmani Sahib daily and give this over to God and Guru.

God bless you,

SK