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Summary of Question:In Reference To A Question Asked On Friday, 11/14/2008
Category:Love & Marriage
Date Posted:Friday, 10/22/2010 12:29 PM MDT

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh,

This is the second time I'm putting my question on sikhnet related to my marriage. I posted a question on 11/14/2008 with summary as "Confused And Fearful To Take A Decision".

After spending more than 1.5 year in separation, I decided to go ahead and give the marriage a second chance on lots of assurance from my wife's family, that she has changed a lot and she has realized her mistakes. Things went fine for 1-2 months only in beginning and again same events started happening between us as they used to happen earlier (conflicts, fights on petty issues). This time it was worse than earlier as I was physically, mentally and verbally abused by her a lot(I kept myself calm and not to reciprocate in same manner to avoid any kind of conflicts or legal issues).

She's not able to adjust herself in my family and she even started lying to me about many things such as going to her parental house (in other city) and giving me an excuse of some official work, extending her stay for days there without any valid reason (when i inquired, if there was any official work involved and the reason she told me was correct or no, it came out to be a lie). These kind of events has happened many times and each time I inquired, the truth was different from what was told to me.

We are again separated now since last 10 months, on her decision of not to live together and her parents taking her away from me. I'm under tremendous pressure and stress again from her family, to continue with the relationship and her father gives me examples from gurbani to be compassionate, tolerant and be kind (her father and I share a very healthy relationship and I respect him a lot because of his wisdom and his learnings/teachings about gurbani).

Moreover, I came to know my wife has been involved in deeds, in which a gursikh will never be involved, like going to pundits, getting into activities such as vashikaran, getting some sort of puja's done to get control on me etc. I am very strongly against all these kind of things and I hate people who take these paths to fulfill their selfish motives. I was also clearly told by her, she has come back because of her family and social pressure.

After knowing all this, I have lost faith and trust in her. Now she claims to be in love with me and wants to come back. I have cut out all communications with her as its always arguments and conflict, whenever we talked earlier on phone. She has not taken any action or initiative to come back on her own after her decision not to live together.

I have very clearly and politely told her father and family about all these events but they are trying to convince me to forget all this and take it as her childish nature and forgive her.

Is it so easy to forgive someone who has been just pushing you down and hurting you since last more than 4 years and live your whole life together, if there is no faith and trust left? Is it right to follow gurbani about being forgiving, tolerant and compassionate in these kind of situations or one should fight back, keeping the teachings aside and not thinking of good or bad?

What if we do bad to someone while trying to pull ourself out of a situation where we cannot live or tolerate it anymore? Will we have forgiveness from Waheguru for this action of hurting someone and breaking a commitment done in front of Guru?

I have always prayed to Waheguru to guide me in good or bad and always been very thankful to Waheguru for whatever Waheguru has given me in life but this time I feel very lonely, depressed, angry and shattered.

Is it going against the guru's will to end this marriage, as we believe and gurbani teaches us, everything in this world happens by Waheguru's will (hukme under sabko bahar hukam na koe....)

If end this marriage, what's the best way to do that without causing much trouble and pain to anyone?

I do Japji Sahib, Chaupai Sahib, Rehras Sahib. What other gurbanis can help me to handle this situation and keep myself at peace from inside?

I humbly request you to guide me with your knowledge from gurbani and experience so that I can firmly take my next step as its getting difficult day by day for me to live in this indecisive state of mind since last more than 4 years.
Dear one, the wife must be supportive to the husband in her life as soul bride.
I cannot tell you to divorce or to remain married. However I know that it takes
the committed focus of both parts to maintain the marriage.

Maybe she is so insecure with you and what you do or do not do. I cannot judge this.
I advise the wife to recite:
1) 11 sopurkh nirnajan....." daily for husband saintly nature
2) she recite Bhand Jamee-ai 11 times a day to eliminate her phobia
3) do rehiras at night for him and her
4) prepare your food while chanting these

Only you know what you are experiencing. You must make a decision. Divorce is a last
resort. But it is not prohibited and for many it is the only way especially if only one person is devoted to the marriage.

Pray to Guru Ram Das for guidance and recite the SHABD HAZARAY daily eleven times for your peace of mind and for your guidance.

Blessings to you,

there is no marriage.

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