Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Forgiveness So I Can Heal
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Monday, 8/12/2002 8:39 PM MDT

Dear Readers,

I am a 23 year old woman who has basically committeda sin. At the age of 18 i was wedded (arranged). I was trying to be a good daughter to my parents and went along with their descision. Afterall, parents know whats best for their children right? Anyways the marriage didn't work. I tried my best as a wife, and daughter-in-law to keep the pieces together. Actually i am proud of the efforts i had made but i guess i didn't do good enough. My exhusband was both physically and sexually abusive as well as a crackhead. Anyways with the help of my family i was able to move on. Somwhere after a year or so i met another guy. I was born here but my parents are from india where as he was from the fiji islands. Our religion is the same. Anyways i mentioned my past at the very beginning of our relationship and told him that i'm not the type of girl who just wants to have fun. For some reason this guy told his family about me and they gave him permission to proceed with the relations. After one year, when i finally broke the news to my parents about us wanting to marry eachother and making my parents agree (which his father wanted me to do for the longest time) anyways his father made us break relations with oneanother. I gave him everything. The part that really bothers me is the pre-marital sex because i was not supposed to do that. Therefore i have committed a sin and punish myself everyday by thinking of it over and over. How do i forgive myself and will this guy be punished for doing me wrong and breaking promises?

*******
REPLY
*******
Sat Siri Akaal Ji.
Guru warned his Sikhs against non-marital sex for precisely the reasons indicated by your experience. Guru understood that sex happens as often without marriage is within marriage. 'Sin' isn't the word I would use. "Bad choice" seems more appropriate.

In any case, you have punished yourself enough, don't you think? Psychically speaking, when you continue to believe in your badness and punish yourself, you are subtly telling EVERYONE to punish you; this can lead to abusive relationships of any kind (not only in your love life). SO, the first thing to do is forgive yourself and forgive both the men who have used and abused you. Make an internal vow not to let anyone use you again. Tell yourself daily that you are a child of God and worth tender loving care from yourself and others. Holding onto your pain and anger will make you even unhappier. Is this what you want?

Forgiveness is about acknowledging that a wrong has been done and choosing to look past it, to go BEYOND it. It is about consciously dedicating your energy to healing rather than hurting. Because when you hold onto hurt, you?re letting other people?s actions and attitudes control you. You?re held captive by their bad behavior, and this can cause you to continue to make harmful choices in your life. And we need to set ourselves free. Forgiveness also frees the ones who hurt us. It lets THEM move on and helps us release the karma that is associated with the pain. Guru Nanak's Japji Sahib, 20th pauri, tells us as we sow, we reap. Aaapay beej, aapay hee kao". Quit worrying about justice for these guys, for according to the Hukum of God, all beings experience divine justice, AND mercy. Let God take care of them and you, but let them go.

Whether or not you are Sikh, one of the best therapies for forgiving oneself and one's choices is meditation. THis website is full of information on meditations. The easiest is to sit straight in a quiet space with a mantra tape of your choosing and chant. It will take time and effort, but I know it works. Mool mantra (first lines in Siri Guru Granth Sahib) is really good to recite because it is affirming yourSelf --as part of the Creation--as all those attributes that the Creator is. You might also consider counseling of some kind; perhaps your work or school has counseling, and if you live in a western country, you can usually get assistance at women's health centers or crisis centers.

I too learned the hard way that it is not worth getting in bed with any guy unless a commitment is involved first. Period. I hope you have understood this and lovingly choose to watch out for yourself in the future on this issue.
Guru rakha,
-DKK