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Summary of Question:	My Brother No Longer Wants To Marry His Fiancee
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Saturday, 6/08/2002 2:23 PM MDT

Hello respected sevadaars. I need some advice about a problem that has arisen recently. The problem goes back a long time, so I will just give you the summary. Before my brother graduated from college, he met a girl who turned out to be bad company. My brother eventually realized that, and stopped talking to her. Since he was at an age to be married, my masiji and mom went to India to find a suitable girl for him. They chose someone and my brother agreed only becuase in his own mind he had lost the respect in the family to have his own way. But eventually, he saw that the match was good and began to like the girl. They were engaged and my brother returned to America (she is still in India). They were engaged in late Feb, so it has not yet been long. However, my masiji has discovered through some research and contacts that the family of the girl and she herself lied to us. My masiji thinks that they just want their daughter to come to America so they will do whatever they can. We were told that the girl was a dentist, but after talking to 3 different people, my aunt has found out that the college that girl goes to is not a real college and she will not get her degree because the principle has committed some type of fraud. I do not know all the details - but he is in prision. SO now my masiji thinks that the girl is not educated - that all she has is a high school diploma. and if she marries my brother, then my masiji thinks that my brother will have to support her financially for another 6 or 8 years until she finishes her college education here. My masiji has also convinced my brother that the girl has lied as well as her family and he thinks that she is not someone who he wants to marry. But he also doesnt say that he wont marry the girl - basically he is opposed to it, but will do it if it makes the family happy. Everyone else in the family says that she is who he should marry because they have already been engaged and it is very bad to break an engagement. I have been emailing the girl back and forth since feb. and she seems sweet. But i dont know what to say. My masiji has told me all the information she knows, and wants me to agree with her that the engagement should be broken. I do not agree with her, but she says that she will not do anything until the family agrees with her, and I dont think the family will. In the mean time, my brother's condition seems to be getting worse. He drinks and also smokes - he doesnt seem to care about his health and he also wont listen to anyone else.

In case you are confused about why my masiji is doing so much and has such a great role in the family - its because she is older than my mom and has also helped me, my mom and my brother in the past (mostly financially) since my dad's death. Please give your advice on how this situation can be solved and a new life begun for my brother. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. May God bless you and others like you who do so much.

Sincerely,
Anupreet

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Sat Siri Akal.

Dear Anupreet ji,

Marriage is a very very serious step for a person to take. For a Sikh, the person you marry is the person who the Guru will work through to help you grow spiritually. The problem in this situation is that marriage is being looked at solely as a social phenomena, with no thought as to the very real, important and spiritual dimmensions.

Your brother is making a lot of decisions in order to regain his honor in the family. Yet-if he is drinking and smoking-there is something going on for him-some kind of depression. It's important that he make the decision that is best for his own soul and that the family support this process. Otherwise, the marriage is already off to a bad start.

Study the Lavaan and strive to understand how Guruji views marriage. If you can, encourage your mother and masiji to let go of the issue of education and money and simply focus on whether or not these two people would be good for each other's souls. Also encourage your brother to look at the situation in this light. Will this woman be a good partner for his spirit? Maybe the entire family can sit topgether, read the Lavaan and talk about what it means and how it can guide this situation. If you view it in these terms, Guru can guide the process to the correct conclusion. But if it's all about Maya-all about money, education and social intrigue-then the marriage will become a very heavy karma for both of them, I suspect.

God bless. I hope this has been helpful to you. Good luck.

Sincerely,

GPK