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Summary of Question:	Relationship Between Western Sikh And Older Italian Male
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 7/11/2003 12:38 PM MDT

I am in a relationship with a girl of the Sikh religion aged 26, I am 51. We have been living together for 2 years. Her father passed away when she was only 7 years old, therefore the only male presence in her family is her younger brother aged 25. Her mother is 50 (yes, younger than me). This is a description of the scenario. I was brought up a catholic, albeit I would not classify myself as a "practising catholic" however, I am a good christian and believe in good will to all men, and all the other kindly aspects of life. I am not rascist toward colour or religion, but since I have had some involvement with my girlfriend's family, all I see is rascism towards both "white people" and non asian culture.

Where I see, a preponderance towards the male species in the asian culture, by this I mean that men seem to have a certain rule book and women have to abide by another, this is not, in my opinion, unique to the asian culture. Italian families, indeed most mediterraneans have a similar outlook, albeit it has changed over the last 50 years. I came to the UK when I was 10 years old, I couldn't speak English and initially struggled at school, I now still feel Italian, but have become very anglicized in many of my outlooks, I make this point purely because the girl in question, was born in the UK, educated in a local state school, speaks English, (a smattering of Punjabi) and has grown up surrounded by the local English culture. Her family, i.e her mother and her grandmother, seem to rule the roust, imposing duties of no apparent significance and making her feel guilty about her apparent disregard for their feelings, all this is based on "What other people will think and say", it is this that really annoys me intensely. This girl is an educated girl, who has never been to India in her life, and would appear to have no inclination to do so, however she loves her family and feels that she can not upset them. Admittedly she moved in to live with me, much against her mothers wishes, so she can obviously stand up for herself, however I am kept very much a secret from her Grandmother, and the myriad or cousins, uncles and aunts.(this is a hierarchy, I do not understand, by the way) We talk about children and marriage, ( I have a 21 year old son from my first marriage) I feel comfortable with these talks, but I do have a slight concern that her family's part time asian/sikhism really annoys me. They play at being Indian/Sikh/Asian and all the other epithets one wishes to attach, on a "when it suits me" basis. They eat English food, enjoy English lifestyles and behave English, and then suddenly when a marriage in the family arises, they all suddenly become Sikh!!

I can not take these people seriously, I love this girl and acknowledge that the age difference is substantial, however my family (in Italy and England) treat her like a member of the family, I have three brothers, all who speak to her as if she where my wife, my father in Italy thinks the world of her, and my late mother (God rest her soul) thought she was wonderful. These people are all christian and intelligent people, all this being said. Why then, does her family treat me as if I was a leper! Where is the human kindness, the love of their daughter or relative, where is the "as long as she is happy" feelings, NO, what we hear is "if you marry this man, we will disown you"! Surely Sikhism can not preach this type of behaviour.

I know this is very long, but I would really like to her your valued opinion. I am also trying to write an article for publication on this very topic (a general article, not just my personal issues).

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I think it is important that the two of you become very united and sure yourself...that your relationship is solid. I would have some concerns about your age difference, cultural difference, life cycle difference. I would thoroughly and honestly talk out where your relationship is going. Do you want to get married, have children, etc? How would you raise your children? What religion would you embrace and raise your children? Who is going to bring in the income...do the housework...cook? These are trivial questions, but very important questions, which can make or break a marriage. If the two of you can become really solid between you and come to some agreements, then I would suggest that you go to her parents and confront them head on. Maybe its time to think serisouly about marriage. I think my biggest concern is that as she lost her father at such a young age, she is really looking for a father figure in you. Is this healthy? Is this what you want? You have a lot to consider. You have a lot of differences to overcome. They may be too many and too big...or if the two of you really work at it, it might work. You will have to be very honest in your exploration of these matters. Good Luck. GTKK