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Summary of Question:	Re:Have I Done The Right Thing In This Engagement
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 2/14/2003 7:27 AM MST

Hi Sweety, who so ever you are.I beleive marriages are made in heaven and when things have to happen all conditions come together by themself somehow.I do not know if you are in India and/or the boy is from India but hear me. I have been married for 20 years (today is my 20th anniv.).I was married to my husband in a week.He was in USA and I was in India.Before him I had been introduced to many but like I said this had to work.I was introduced to my husband too and was asked to make the same decision as you were and I said exactly what you said using the same reasons.But my husband talked more in our first meeting and told everything about himself - age,life status,life style,expectations, hobbies on and on.I was in a lot of doubt like you but I am a very religious person since childhood and thought if things are going this way then it had to be God's will.I am not saying that I had a easy sailing but you know what I think I got the best man out his family(moral,character and person wise).He loves me and sometimes I think he loves me more than I do but that is okay.But our love has florished and if I had jerked my marriage thinking he loves me but I am not sure I do; I do not think I would have got any better person.How many arranged marriages have/have not worked and how many love marriages have/have not worked. It is all fate.So, maybe (and I hope) you both atleast get to talk to each other a lot(on phone or so) and find out his likes and dislikes etc.If you have not heard or found anything bad about his character or in his morals then I do not know what to say - he will be devastated.Unless you have a solid proof or something that is making you doubt his credibility as a husband.Always put yourself in other persons place and see how you would react, and if you are convinced that you would react exactly the way you are reacting then you are fine.Like you were adviced,everyone gets cold feet when it is something like marriage - but do lot of pathe and talking with him.This is the least you can do.You still have few months to really decide.FInd out who his friends are,how religious he is,what does he think a role of woman is in a marriage and/or in general(now my husband does not cook but if I am sick or when I had my kids he was the only one who took care of me.He did not want any of his or my family coming and helping.He said it is our child and she is my wife so it is my job to take care of her.So I can live without him taking turns cooking as he does all the out side job like car problem,money handling shopping if I want him to and ofcourse for kids he will do anything and everything);what kind of relation he has with his mother.

Remember his bad qualitites might not be same as yours, he does not have to have the same good & bad qualities as yours; but can you put up with each others bad qualities and hope for improving your own respectively (I mean for both of you) is what makes your relation special.When I married my husband drank beer and wine only occasionally,but he knew I did not like it.I did not create a scene for it but in a way let him know that it is his choice but I do not approve it and that when we have kids this is not I would want tehm to do but then they will be his kids too.It took 5 yrs. and after my first child was born he quit himself and today ( I feel so bad) he is also a vegetarian and I am still not completely.But I prayed to God to give him guidance more than pick a fight but in a nice way (not at that instant) let him know that it was all his choice and not what I would want from him.Even his American friends are amazed at his change.So patience and faith in God is what I am living and have lived with.Now once in a while he might take non-alcoholic beer but as a person I would not trade him for any Amritdhari - he is the greatest!!
What is the guarantee that the next person you find that YOU LOVE is not a faker,so try to find the true identity of this person.Also, I do not know your parents and your relation with them,my dad was very open and he had already told me before he started looking for a spouse for me - if you have someone in mind speak now or do not complain later and he always stood by our decision.I know if I would have told him then that I was having doubts he would be the first one to say okay where do we go from now.So, analyse your situation take all our advice and make a recipe that suits you and your personality/life style the best. Be happy you are loved and you will start loving eventually, time is all it takes and faith (in God and the person).Never beleive in anything that you have no proof of (there will be lots of people that will try not to see you happy) and you do need to see what his point of view is on this because lots of marriages are shaken on just rumours and it is never the same.God bless you and if you want to talk to me more you can get my email from the sikhnet people.(this should mature you a lot).Take care and all the best.