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Summary of Question:	Adapting Marriage Customs Ok?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 5/13/2002 6:05 PM MDT

Sat sri Akaal...

I attended my first Sikh wedding, of my fiance's sister, a week ago. My man and I are also having a Sikh wedding, and wanted to know what to do do about the milni custom, the meeting of the families.

I am an orphan. I was abandoned by my birth mother, adopted and lost my parents when I was in my early 20's. There is a foster-brother but we did not main tain close association. there are no living relatives.

We thought that we might have friends stand in for this custom, but my soon-to-be father in law is quite against it. My fiance is angry over this because he also felt it would be meaningful to have my friends of both genders do something for me, in the absence of relatives.

What I want to know is, can other parts of the marriage ceremony be adapted in my case, without going against Guruji? We thought of having my women friends lead me around the Holy Book, alongside my guy friends. Is this permissable? I have a lot of men willing to do this part of the ceremony, but I feel awful about leaving the women out. If Sri Guru Granth Sahib has anything to say for or against making such allowances in marriage customs, please let me know the passages and where I can find them. We're only a few months away from the wedding and I am grateful for your help.

Waheguru ji ka Khalsa
Waheguru ji ki Fateh

Elizabeth

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Sat Siri Akal.

Think of it this way: sometimes customs are more restrictive than spirit, and so you can do something in the Spirit of the Guru that may be different than tradition.

Can your friends stand in as family? Of course. Who is family and who is not, anyway? In the eyes of the Guru, we are all brothers and sisters of the same Creator. On the level of the soul, we are all equally related to each other. The day you marry in front of the Guru is the day you and your spouse pledge yourself to the Guru. It's a time for celebration. If your friends can be there to support you in a special way, that's great. It may be against tradition, but it is not against the Guru.

This is the same for having women supporting you in your rounds around the Guru. In Sikhi, there is no distinction based on gender. The Guru doesn't recognize it. For the Guru, all souls are brides of the same One Spouse. So-there is nothing in Sikhi to keep your women friends from participating in this way. The traditions may be different, but traditions come from a certain cultrual background, and as cultures change, traditions change as well.

This is your and your spouse's day. ENjoy it in the grace and spirit of Wahe Guru. All who love you and all you love have a place in this very special ceremony.

May God and Guru bless you and keep you on the occaision of your marriage and may your and your husband-to-be have a long and happy life together.


Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh.


GPK