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Summary of Question:	Am Confused With My Life
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 10/30/2002 2:33 AM MDT

Hi,

I just noticed the question and answer session here. Maybe you can help me or guide me, or maybe say something that can shed some light onto my misery. I'm a Sikh female. My parents are looking for a life partner me (plan on getting me married). Although in my heart I am not ready, they say I am getting old and I guess basically I am becoming an obstacle to my other siblings. The thing I don't know is this. My parents are looking and communicating with guys and their families. I want to know is it right and normal for them to be talking and advertising me so much when they actually have some replies that are interested in me. I don't feel I can make a decision on who to chose or how to chose. WHat should I do? I'm not anything special. I am a very plain looking simple girl. I feel embarassed and actually like I have no self worth. I find this whole arranged marriage business very demeaning. People that have seen my picture are responding and the thing is I feel so stupid in this. I feel like I wont be able to communicate with the guy or guys my parents want me to meet. I am a very nervous, not too confident person. I don't know what to do. I know I will have to do marriage one day, but for the life of me I am so not confident. I dont think I can talk to any of the guys my parents want me to. I have no confidence in this, and I don't honestly think I can converse with a guy. I'm so scared. I have no one I can share this with. Apart from this I have other problems, not really getting along with my siblings, I don't have real respect either in terms of being the older child. I sometimes feel I can't take such problems in life, I feel like I have no strength. I feel weak and am hurting because sometimes I think I am hurting my parents, too. And I don't want that. I feel very lonely,too. No one to talk to and I don't think anybody understands me. Am I a mental case? I am so scared to do anything, I don't know how to react, I don't know what to do. I don't know what and how to take the next step in my life when I feel my life is down anyway. Sorry this is long. Maybe I need to pray more. I feel empty, angry, hurt, very lonely, confused, and guilty inside. Any suggestions as to how I can deal with all this? Everything I do to people seems to be taken as me being evil and bad, even if I had good desires when I did things. I feel like I have bad luck, as if I will never be content in life, as if I can never be confident, and as if I will be always lonely and regretful and miserable in life. I feel empty in my life my siblings and I don't get along. I feel lonely, not many freinds not because I cant have them, because I just don't try anymore to make friends and other friends have moved on. I'm not depressed because I can be happy when things around me are normal. Should I let my parents do their search for a partner for me? I say anything and my parents think I am being disobedient and am causing them grief. They don't understand when I say I can't talk to anyone in terms of having to talk to a guy if they want me to. Nobody understands. Are all these feelings normal and struggles normal? Or do i just need to pray more and this is normal life and we all have our problems? Or is the problem that I just can't deal with life's up and downs?

(REPLY) Sat Nam. When I start a message with "Sat Nam" - it's because we establish our communication on Truth, that is, your identity (and mine) is Truth! All of our human flaws and faults are external, they are not the reality of who we really are, and so, this is what will help you to understand that you are a divine being, here on earth to have a human experience. I'm sorry it's so unpleasant for you now, but this can change, and it will change as soon as you stop thinking so poorly of yourself! God lives and breathes in you, and that's a fact! First, I would like to suggest that you do a meditation every day where you affirm your grace as a woman. it's called "Grace of God" meditation. (I'll give you the instructions at the end of this message.) As for the arranged marriage tradition, it has a lot of benefits because the parents really try to match up with families who share the same background and this makes for a better marriage. Instead of a girl having to attract a boy personally, it really has more dignity when the parents make the arrangements. Remember, when you talk to a guy, he's probably more nervous than you are! One trick to good conversation is to get the other person to talk about themselves, and try to make them feel comfortable! When you try to help others, it's easier to forget about yourself. Can you arrange to do seva at a Gurdwara? Serving the Guru in any way will enable you to be with other people, but not have to be "social" in an awkward manner. Any other kind of community service would be good for you to get involved in also. I don't know where you live, but even volunteer at the Red Cross or other such organization will help your self esteem. As for how you look, real beauty is the radiance that comes from within, and that radiance comes from chanting God's name and meditating, preferably early in the morning. Are you reading your banis every day? Remember, everything is a vibration, and the vibrations in the Guru's words will uplift you and clean out the painful memories and problems in your subconscious that make you feel so miserable now. You have to make the choice to give up your suffering! Seriously, you CAN stop feeling miserable-- use your will power to change your mental habit. Whenever you feel low, repeat "Healthy am I, Happy am I, Holy am I" over and over --- you have to change your mental habit of putting yourself down! Chanting the shabd 'Dhan Dhan Ram Das Gur, Jin Siria..." etc. 11 times a day, and pray for solution to your problems. Guru Ram Das is the Lord of Miracles. You can get this shabd on a CD.
Now, for the Grace of God meditation. Lie down (where you won't be disturbed) and inhale deeply (through your nose),hold your breath and repeat silently 10 times: "I am the grace of God." Then exhale (through the nose) and with the breath held out repeat "I am the grace of God" ten times. (You have to repeat it quite fast so that you can manage all ten repetitions within the time your breath is either in or out.) Continue this process for a total of five breaths. Do this on an empty stomach, and do it ideally twice a day. This is to remind you of your grace and divinity and dignity as a woman! It is very effective. To get a real perspective on the meaning of life, read Japji Sahib in English. (THis is available on SikhNet -- just look for the link.) God bless you, and Guru guide you to your rightful destiny of happiness! SP