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Summary of Question:	Waheguru's Bhana Or My Ego ?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Sunday, 12/01/2002 10:19 PM MST

WJKK!! WJKF!!

Few months before I met a a guy and liked each other a lot. I am a religious girl and trying to walk on the path of Sikhi. I do have a lot of respect toward our culture and religion. I do understand that it is very wrong to have any kind of relationship/s out of marriage. I am 18+1/2 years of age.

We told each other that we liked each other and the guy asked me if I wanted to go out with him. I did say no at first, but then I told him yes. We did get very close to each other. And now when I told him that I feel very ashamed of myself that I got involved in doing something like that (kissing+physical contact). Although I know that I only let him touch me because I cared for him very much and wanted to be so close to him so that I could feel his presence. And I am not the type of a girl who goes around with guys or anything similar to that at all. He was my first and had said to me that he liked me very much. but after I told him that I feel ashamed of myself because I am not that type of a person at all and that something in me said that no this is very wrong, he told me ok we wont go out. But I told him lets just not do anything stupid that we have regret for in the long term. But that day he said to me no I don’t know because I wont be able to stop myself if we do continue it. I said to him that no I will stop you. But he just said to me that no he doesn’t want to go out with me because he understands what I meant. But this is when I lost my temper because I really cared for this person and he just told me to forget everything and said that ‘I will never tell anyone and you don’t tell anybody about whatever that happened between us’. This is very strange because all I meant to him when I said that I felt ashamed of myself was to put in other words that I do want to have a relationship with you but a clean and nice relationship. Now whenever I spoke to him to ask him why he was acting this way, he just told me forget the past!

I could tell that he was lying a bit when he used to say that I don’t like you. I don’t know but then he said to me that I have forgotten you and you should forget me too. This is really weird because he just wasn’t telling me why he was acting this way. I am a religious girl and close to getting baptised in some time. I did tell this guy that I was to get baptised soon so I think maybe he did not want to continue it because he did not want to make me feel guilty or maybe he thought that I would change if we continued to go out. I think this because once he said to me that “you are into religion and you should stay this way”. This was really getting to me now and there was a person who found out about us and made some very bad comments about him to me and the way he was acting I started to think that way. I was very upset because this guy meant so much to me and he just did not understand the way I was feeling. He wasn’t even paying any sort of attention to what I wanted and just said to end the topic. So I got very depressed to the point where I used to cry all day long and would not be able to do anything right and felt as if I needed some anti-depressants. This guy just did not understand because he kept on saying “forget the past, I have forgotten you so get on with your life”.

Now I started believing that ‘other’ person who made it even worse, because I said some very mean things to him and told him that he was just toying with me. I was so upset about this that we started having arguments and he told me to leave him alone and that he does not want anything to do with me. He also said that he thought I was a nice person and all. But I know I said those mean things to him because I was very depressed and hurt deeply and the way he was behaving was stressing me even more as he just would not want to listen to me about it anymore and I would have no where else to go to.

We have had a lot of arguments and things got really nasty & now he has just told me “f*** off” and to never speak to him at all.

Now I am feeling a bit better than before and don’t cry so much. But I think this is just a VERY BIG MISSUNDERSTANDING between us and just BAD COMMUNICATION!

Now this guy acts like I am not going to talk to you or anything and why are you acting as if we were going out for a whole damn year? He said that we only talked and just kissed! He also said sure if you want to be friends with me then fine I will give you another chance! :-?
I am just very ‘lost’ that he is speaking to me this way as if I were his BIGGEST ENEMY!!! When I did care for him very much and now that I see the way he is behaving towards me I think I was being a fool by running after him to ‘clear all the missunderstanding’ because he just says that he just doesn’t care anymore and that I can think whatever I want to!

Khalsa Ji can you tell me what the heck this guy is like? Should I think that he was just playing around/time passing with me because if he wasn’t then would have given me another chance, but just backed off because he saw that I was a good girl+religious and he isn’t as much!????!!!

Or should I think that he just does not know anything about ‘going out’?

Or should I think that he is just weird?

Or should I think that he dropped me because I am into religion and so that means that he did not really care for me because he dropped me because of religion?

Or should I think that he knows better than me and said to ‘forget the past’??!!!

Or should I just not think of anything because he has driven me nuts for the answers and left me very lost and in total mystery?!!!

Now he hates me even though I have apologised so much for the bad comments and he just does not understand that I said them to him out of anger and hurt!

This person has really caused too much stress in my life but I do not blame him as much I do myself because I should have been more wiser. I still care for him in my heart but he just told me to find someone else and leave him alone!! Should I still care for him at all?
I told him off for that like “ WHAT DA HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS”? THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SPEAK TO A GIRL???!!!! I MEAN I LIKE HIM AND HE just says that find SOMEONE ELSE?!!!!!

I am now regreting that I got involved with him because he just left me like that! Now I just don’t know what to think or what to think because whenever I remember him I get too stressed to the point I get a sore head and start to feel guilt and shame and just this big feeling of loss so whenever I think of him I start saying SATNAM WAHEGURU!! And that helps me feel better.
I feel like I am dirty now and that I opened up to the wrong person! I have learnt my lesson/s from this ‘experience’! and now I just DO NOT want to get involved with anybody at all! I think I have turned more towards religion and started thinking that this was just a lesson from God to tell me that attatchment, lust, anger (moh, kam, krodh ) is very painful and that this was a warning from Waheguru that this is not the goal of my life and that this is just MAYA ILLUSIONING MY SOUL ON THE WAY TO MY REAL DESTINATION???? Now is that right, me thinking this way??? Or have I just lost it completely and just am stupid and don’t know anything about going out/relationships or anything at all and so I am making this kam, krodh and moh and Waheguru’s Will my ‘excuse’!???!!

Can you advice me that if it is right for me to keep feeling guilty and shameful of my actions due to having physical contact with a guy even though I only had had physical contact due to 100% pure affection in my heart towards him ???? I feel so sad and stink because I feel like I was ‘toyed with’ even if this was not was the guys intention.

Or should I just take this as a blessing from Waheguru because God does everything and that I did not do anything and that it was God doing all this and not me?????????? And that it was Waheguru Who brought him in my life and caused a havov and then made him go away like the wind?!!!
And I have learnt many lessons from this ‘experience’? Like just accept Waheguru Ji’s Bhana?>>?!!! What the heck should I do/think/act or be like?????
PLZ SHED SOME LIGHT ON ME!!
One very lost soul!

Thank you,
God Bless

<<<<< REPLY >>>>>

Khalsa Ji - Wahe Guru Ji ka Khalsa, Wahe Guru Ji ki Fateh!

Hopefully, the storm of emotions has calmed down since you penned your message. I can see from a careful reading of your message that you already understand exactly what has happened and what you need to do. It is only your anger and shame over loss of your self-esteem that has clouded your understanding. In your message you say: "should I just take this as a blessing from Waheguru because God does everything and . . .I did not do anything . . . that it was Waheguru who brought him in my life and caused a havoc and then made him go away like the wind? And I have learnt many lessons from this experience."

That is exactly the case. He has had his lesson to learn, and you have had yours. When we die, we don't see our life - we FEEL everything - every pain that we caused another. We feel it exactly as they felt it. Hopefully he will learn what he needs to learn before his breaths are gone. As for you, you have already learned the lesson. Do not live in the past. What is done is done. Let it go. Do not hold on to the hurt and guilt of the past. Lay it at Guru Ji's feet and let it go.

Let your only attachment be to your Guru. Love everyone equally, and trust everyone for nothing.

All love, .....G