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Summary of Question:	Arranged Marraige And Careers
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 2/11/2003 5:18 PM MST

A friend of mine suggested this forum, and I have spent the last 2 hours reading some of the responses to peoples questions - which is refreshing - no judgement!

I am sikh girl who got married at the age of 22yrs old. The marriage was arranged soon after I returned from a year out in the States, where I had gone the year previously to get away from the pressures of indian life and marriage. I was blackmailed and put on continuos guilt trips to returnhome otherwise I would ruin the reputation of my unmarried sisters and was killing my parents! On my return I was promised that I would be able to complete my studies and look for a job and have no presure to be married... This did not last long and within months a partner was arranged for me to meet. I don't know why I had agreed to this, but having been in two relationships before (one with a sikh and one with a christian) I thought it was easier to go along in a relationshio than to face the stresses from my parents and extended family. My husband was charming all a 21yr old could ask for, and made promises that were appealing. I agreed to the marriage and was married 5 months later - fortunately with a degree under my belt and a good job to look forward to. Six mnths went by ok, but living with in-laws and the pressures of not being a traditional enough wife took there toll exacerbated by the fact that my husband is only child and everthing i ever did was wrong! I have never lived up to their expectations-putting enormous stress on our relationship. Managed to affrd to leave the in-laws after over a year, but the problems have not ceased. I am in a relationship that I am unhappy in, where I want to excel at my career and friendhsips but feel so hiindered. My husband loves me withoiut a doubt but the feeling is not mutual! I look after him well, financially and emotinally but he does not look after me. I was so young and naive when I got married and feel that I need to get out - but I am so worried about the consequences... I feel so stressed when I should be happy as I am just beginning to get my career off the ground, but I feel that my husband and his family are lead weights holding me down... What should I do, when I know I am unhappy and this is not the relationship I want to be in? I do my paath daily and shabads to keep my sanity...(Sorry this is so long!).
Thanks WJGK,WGKF...


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Sat Siri Akal.

Wow. God bless you. You are definitely caught between two worlds, and it's a situation that many young Sikh women are facing these days. Traditional world is you get married and take care of your husband, your husband's family and your children. In the modern world, you're free to pursue your career and fulfill yourself. How do you go about balancing both?

Myself, I am a Western woman and so what I say here is definitely from a Western perspective. You are a Sikh of the Guru and you have a destiny written on your forward. That destiny is something you must reach in order to have a life that satisfies you. Career interests often begin to point us in the direction of our destiny and show us what we need to learn to fulfill the purpose our souls were sent here for. But there is no doubt that you are here for a reason and you need to understand what that reason is.

So - it is a quesiton of commitment to your own soul's calling. You need to be free to find out your destiny and live it.

How does that impact your marriage? Well - that is an issue of commitment, as well. Relationships are difficult no matter what. Whether you chose your mate or one is chosen for you, there are difficulties along the way. You can decide that you are willing to do the work to make your relationship work. But no woman in this age can be in a relationship just based on fulfilling the husband's expectations. You need to find the courage to bring your TRUE self into the relationship and communicate honestly and mututally with your husband about what is going on. There are no simple solutions or easy answers. It isn't about staying in the marriage or leaving. Can you find it in yourself to begin an honest dialogue with your husband about who you are and what is important to you? Can you and your husband work together so that you can support him with his goals and he can support you with yours? It is worth it to make the effort to try to do these things. Marriages are not based on love, believe it or not. They are, in a very real sense, a business that requires both partners to communicate, have shared goals and strategies, work towards a common purpose. The question is - can you and your husband develop that mutual life? If you can - you may find that this can be, in time, a deeply satisfying relationship.

You are a pioneer in a new world for young Sikh women. Being true to yourself and communicating genuinely, mutually, kindly and honestly with your husband and the tools, to my mind, that can help you decide what to do.

May Guru bless you and guide your every step.

All love,

GPK