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Summary of Question:	I Need Sumone To Care For Me.
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 3/04/2003 3:31 AM MST

hi all.

well my question is how do u get over sexual abuse?

i was sexually abused by my older cousin when i was about 5years old and i remember it clearly. sumtimes i wake up after having a nitemares about it or i walk down the street and have new flashbacks about what he used to do.

my cousin has been married for about 12 years now and has two child, their family is happy. And that annoys me because i have to live with what he did while he plays happy familys.


i havent told anyone about what he did as i feel that no one will beleive me and even if they did believe me they will make out that all this was my fault.

but over the last couple of years i feel that i need a man. i feel that i need sumone that loves me. i guess it makes me feel that nothing bad will happen to me. dont get me wrong i know that my family loves me but i need a relationship.
its hard because my boyfriend left me about 9months ago. we really loved each other alot but when our parents found out he decided it was best if we didnt communicate. Me and him became really close when he was my b/f and now that hes left me i dont want him to get with another girl because i just feel that history has repeated itself although he did love me. I feel abit used and feel really dirty. I dont trust guys anymore. on one hand my cousin used to sexually abuse me and then when i felt i was getting over that pain the only person that made me happy left me. i still dont know whether he used me aswell.
im 19 now and i just want to know how to get rid of the past. i feel that im not able to move foward if i keep thinkin about how my bodys been used and abused.

thanxs alot

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Sat Siri Akal.

God bless you for your courage in asking this question. I know how hard and difficult this situation is and my heart goes out to you.

First, know that you are not alone. It is an unfortunate but true that thousands of young girls get abused or molested by a relative when they are young. It is a secret burden that many many women carry. The fact that you are willing to talk about it and ask for help is the first step to healing.

Second, understand that is is very normal and typical for young girls who were sexually abused to get into unhealthy relationships. When you say - if I could just find someone to love me it would be all right - this is very normal response. But the truth is, there is no man who can make it right. There is no man who can undo the pain that's been inflicted on you. And you need to be very careful about your relationships with men until you have done some work on yourself because those who have gone through sexual abuse know that the after-effects can hurt your judgement and make choosing a good partner difficult. It's very possible that your boyfriend was just a bad choice. It's not your fault. It's just what happens.

As for telling your family, that is a step to take when you are ready for it. But healing rarely starts with telling the family what happened. The family members are unfortuantely that last people to believe it and they will make excuses and try to deny what you are saying. No family wants to admit that they could have been part of something so terrible as sexual abuse. It's a very very difficult thing to confront the one who abused you or your family. And again - it's a step that can only happen when you're ready for whatever the consequences may be.

So what can you do? There is a lot of anger, pain, betrayal and negative feelings associated with the memories. So you need to find a good counselor who has worked with sexual abuse issues and who can guide you through a therapy-based healing process. This is really important. A safe place where you can talk freely with someone who can help you go through your feelings about it is one of the keys. Second, there are support groups for women who have gone through this. They are safe places to just talk about your feelings and hear what other women have to say. See if you can find a support group in your area. Also - go to the bookstore and see what's been written about sexual abuse. Educate yourself about why sexual abuse happens and the different responses we have to it. Raising your own awareness about it through education is a powerful step to take.

The honest truth is that, for most women who have been sexually abused, these are memories that you will have for the rest of your life. Don't focus on "forgetting" about it, or block it out or pretend it never happened. What you can do is heal yourself of the pain, anger and betrayal associated with the memories. And a good professional therapist is someone who can guide you through this.

Sexual abuse also raises a lot of questions about who women are. What are we? Just sex objects and nothing more? One of the most healing things I've experienced is to study what the Gurus have taught about women. What the Gurus teach about women is so powerful. It can give you such a strong foundation to go through your healing process. As a Sikh you are a spiritual warrior and a Princess of Guru Gobind Singh. So for spiritual support, meditate on Gurbani - whatever feels right - and study what the Gurus have said about women. It can help you establish a foundation about who you are and how to interact with men in the future.

In the end, know that there are no quick solutions. Bless yourself to do something to start your healing process today. And be patient with yourself. Allow the time for whatever you need to go through. It may be difficult to understand but God was with you then and God is with you now, guiding you to be healed.

My heart is with you, as are my prayers. God bless you again for the courage to write this. There are a lot of young women in your situation who want to ask these same questions but are too afraid, and they thank you for doing it.

All love,

GPK