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Summary of Question:	Unrequited Love Or Not?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 8/14/2001 2:53 PM MDT

Sat Sri Akal Ji..

Im stressed out alot...and need urgent advice on how to deal with my direction of my life concerning my ex boyfriend...

Hes left me due to caste problems and extra overbearing pressure from his parents to make up his mind in knowing they could disown him for marrying out of caste...(we ourselves at the age of mid twenties dont are about caste at all)

We have decided to stay friends and really honestly care about him alot...but he isnt forgiving me for some reason and as much care I tell him i care and want our realtionship back as it was...hes very much against it...(as i showed up at his house one night...to talk to his mum about us...(WHICH I SORELY REGRET DOING..)

In all my life I have never met someone who has helped me a lot within myself...to think positively and ALSO BE alot more productive and outgoing in my daily life...I miss him lots and DO want him back...(we havent slept together either...which is a good thing also..) I want to know what the Guru Granth says about unrequited Love...and whether it is at all possible to regain my boyfriend again...?

I do care abou him that deeply and miss him lots and know what i did in the process was very wrong..someplace in my heart I know he cares but I also know that hes very angey and upset as hes mentioned there WILL never be a furture for us together and if he finds someone else ILL have to deal with it...

I basically need answers to the following questions if they can be answered:

1: What does ther Guru Granth say about Love and Unrequited love?
(I know i care for my ex boyfriend deeply but I do want him back... as before his parents put pressure on us and make his mind up we got on very well...)

2: As i know me and my ex get on well as friends still: do you think that he will come back to me as a future partner or not..im hoping that over time he will come to realise how much hes missing me?
(ok hes hanging onto his mums apron strings at his mid twenties and know I made an idiot of myself going round there...i know we still get on with each other...and want to rebuild that relationship for US...and show his parents
their son is not hypocritical at all...)

3: Will I ever be forigven for my mistakes at all...from God and maybe also for him..? (I went to the Gurdwara and sat there crying as I needed to get my head straight...I feel lonely and gulity as he will not forgive me at all...I did feel better for myself but am still confused...)

4: Am i so wrong for even showing him I care for him alot...(he said dont tell me you love me cos itll only push me away...since when has loving and caring for someone been a bad thing?

5: Why am I always walked over be it by friends family or my ex bf...? (I show everyone 110& attention and love and compassion when im in their company...)

Please reply to me...Im so confused and upset and hurt at the moment...I think Im gonna go crazy...I know we belong together WHY doesnt he see it that way?

From a deeply confused one...

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal:

Dear One, no one walks all over you without your permission. When was the last time you stood up for yourself, rather than let your insecurities make you feel that only by acquiescing to someone's demands you will be liked? You will like yourself a whole lot more if you (1) respect yourself and insist on being treated with respect; and (2) respect others, for what goes around comes around.

At some level in your psyche you believe that you are worthless and this is what lets others use you.

How to stop this? It takes concious practice. It takes asking yourself if agreeing to do something for or with so-and-so is your highest good or just another trap for self-abuse. It takes BELIEVING that you, as a woman and a Sikh, are a PRINCESS of the Guru, not someone's property. The concept of women as men's (father, brother, uncle, husband) property is age-old and common in many cultures, and this man has treated you like this, for WHATEVER reason.

What Siri Guru says is that ATTACHMENT to others messes us up (to say it in common English). That it is OK to truly LOVE someone, but to be ATTACHED to them no matter how they treat us, or JUST because they are our siblings or parents or children, is foolish. For none of these people go with us when we die. Attachment is a difficult lesson, in Siri Guru Granth Sahib it is one of the five evils that plague humanity. The only TRUE attachment is attachment to Guru. So, attach yourself to Guru, not this man.

Practically speaking, you MUST let this person go. It is not a healthy relationship no matter how you describe it. You are living a fantasy to think he will come back to you with SINCERITY and do you really want to be a wife to someone whose mother is that domineering as you describe? And practically speaking from HIS point of view, you are expecting him to 'disown' his family for you. This is unrealistic on your part.

Work on letting this person go from your mind and heart (visualize him in a bubble of white light and then let the bubble fade from your conciousness; this can be very effective). And do not DWELL on him when your mind comes back to him. In time the memory will fade and you will be grateful in HINDSIGHT for letting him go. The lesson here for you is learning non-attachment and letting go.This means let go of being 'friends' with him because then you will always hope you can be 'more' than 'friends.' No man is worth the pain you get from such convoluted thinking, dear, take if from a wise older woman!!

Be aware that caste is a sixth evil. You would be forever trapped with it if you stayed with this person. Do not observe caste, for no one is greater or lesser than another. Guru gave us the 'caste', so to speak, of Khalsa. You are Kaur, not your caste. Listen to your Guru!!

The Creator made you as your are, and gave you this karma. You are His child. The issue is not Him forgiving you, but you forgiving yourself. When you can do this fully and sincerely, you will have learned this lesson about attachment. Siri Guru is full of references of how the Lord 'wipes clean the account' of the one who meditates on the Naam. Live your Dharma, not your karma. So, practice the Naam daily and meditatively and for a while, not just a minute or two. You will see your life change in time.

Guru ang sang,
-DKK