Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Healing Anxiety About Seeing Ex-Husband
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 8/25/2003 11:38 AM MDT

I am 45 year old lady, very happily married with wonderful children. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was arranged in India. That was an abusive marriage to start with in which my ex and his father constantly put demands on my family. My family kept opposing them. Even though I left him couple of times but united back with him with the hope that things will improve as we get out of joint family situation (we were to migrate to America as my brother sponsored for me). My family was disappointed in my decision, they could see the obvious. So shortly after reaching America, he left me with my folks with the promise that he will send for me soon, as he gets settled down at his place of work in another state. When I did not hear from him, through a mutual contact I found out about his whereabouts and followed him alone to meet him at his work place. He was hostile and would not even talk to me. After miserable week of trying him to communicate with me with the help of social workers, I came back to my family.

I put myself through schooling & after few months I filed for divorce. We had no children together. Waheguru had apaar kirpa on me & I felt very strong. With my new job I moved out and lived by myself for many years till I met my current husband. Life in general got better and better without my ex in it. My heart healed with time and I could forgive him. I got over my anger towards him, I got over my resentment towards my family when I started to think from their point of view on the situation. The only feeling that I could not deal with was “I was used”. He took away my innocence. Even though I knew I had lot to offer to ‘love of my life’ but I felt ‘dirty’ when I thought of physical intimacy. Waheguru once again showered his kirpa and I could visit Darbar Sahib, Amritsar before our wedding. After taking dip in Amrit Sarovar, I felt ‘new’ and worthy of my beloved husband. So we got married. Life went on as smooth as it could be…..until one day (after 18 years) when I saw my ex in the same local Gurdwara which we attend. I knew he lived around the same area & imagined this several times before. I could shrug my shoulders and thought I have no good/bad feelings even if I see him at any public place. But it did not happen this way….when I saw him, I had strong anxiety symptoms. I got hold of myself and took several days to think about ‘what I was feeling’. I think the same unresolved, out of control feeling of “I was used” came to the surface and it is making me feel like a ‘weak girl’ rather than a strong Singhni. I mentioned about my ex’s visit to Gurdwara to my husband but did not think it was appropriate to burden him with my misplaced feelings when he genuinely loves me regardless of my past. Please help me resolve my feelings so I can face the situation functioning normal, without physically going through anxiety and loosing control over myself.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

**********
REPLY
*********
Sat Siri Akaal. Yours is an inspirational story of how one can move on to have a happy life in a SECOND marriage.
Your husband indeed is not the one to deal with your anxiety about your ex. Your feelings are not unusual or unexpected. Of course you felt and were used. If you can get professional counseling in your area, I recommend it. Because you do not need these feelings anymore, and seeing him told you they were still there. Do not feel guilty about them and certainly do not blame yourself and decide you are still 'dirty.' You are not. Darbar Sahib does indeed remove the residue of such things. If you can go back there to heal these feelings, please do. Spend a day there dipping and praying to be released of this anxiety.
If you cannot, then chant the Naam daily and meditatively. Do this for a while so that you can see the situation with your ex from a neutral minded-perspective. When you can be (relatively) neutral thinking about it then you must, in your deepest heart of hearts, forgive him/his family/yourself/THE SITUATION. This is not so easy, but when you can clearly and fully forgive it all, the anxiety will melt away and seeing him won't freak you out. If you can do this while visiting Darbar Sahib, it will be easier for you. I spent a week there last year and can vouch for its healing powers. Guru ang sang,
-DK