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Summary of Question:	Dont Want To Live Anymore
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Saturday, 7/20/2002 10:02 AM MDT

Sat Sri Akal ji

I am married man. I have been married for 3 years. I am sikh and so is my wife. I have been living abroad all my live, but i got married to a girl from India. I really didnt want marry anyone to begin with, but i wanted children..i love children. My wife and i still dont have any children. Our first child died before he was born a year ago on this date. Since then life have been like hell....every day is hell....i feel like livining in a fog all day. I dont look forward to coming home from work. We live with my parents. My wife blames my parents for loosing our child...i do not believe so. Before our child died, 2 weeks before that i could feel something was wrong. I just had a really bad feeling and also had bad dreams about loosing our child. That time i prayed very much...but my Fateh Singh died anyways. I dont want to live any more....even if i have never seen him or touched him i miss him every day and night. I know it is a very big sin to take your own life, but every day from work i dream about being hit by a truck....that i die...life does not have any meaning to me...I just want to go to God. I have not lost my faith..i just dont want to be in this world anymore. My wife dont want to try having more kids..."Where there is pleasure there is no God".....why is God doing this to me...could he not just give me death...eh dunnia he sagar dukha da..if I took my life how could I face God.

(REPLY)

You have suffered a loss that was dear to your heart, and it's easy to want to blame God. The fact is that you, like everyone else born on earth, are here to pay off your karma. Anyone who commits suicide simply has to come back , be reborn and there is a lot more suffering before that rebirth takes place. When we are attached to pleasure, and forget that God is the Giver of all -- including pleasure, then, yes, "where there is pleasure there is no God." But all our suffering is not because God is torturing us, but rather that we are attached to things other than God. When we can change our emotion into devotion, we have made a big step toward experiencing the joy that is our real nature. You are already a divine being, here on earth to have a human experience. Part of the lesson of dealing with family, friends, wealth, is to wake up and realize that none of these things are permanent, and yet we spend our whole lives involved with them. It's not that we should not enjoy God's creation, but rather that we need to recognize that it is all temporary. Nothing really belongs to us (including children, if we have any!) everything belongs to God. If you love children so much, have you considered adopting? (It's not unusual after a couple adopts a child, the wife soon becomes pregnant! ) If the only reason you want children, and feel deprived is because you think that children would be "yours" -- you are making yourself miserable for the wrong reason. If you really want to love children, then why don't you adopt? Life is a school, and our main lesson is non-attachment. That is, to live in the world, but not "of" it. Siri Guru Granth Sahib teaches us the purpose of life, and advises us to chant God's Name. Many times it take suffering to push us to remembering God! If you want to be happy, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and see what you can do in the world to help other people. Perhaps there's an orphanage where you could donate time. The life of a Sikh is to serve. Do you pray for guidance? (not just for what you want!) The best thing is every morning before sunrise, spend some time meditating on Wahe Guru, and ask how you can best use this precious lifetime, the gift given you by God, to serve God and His creation.

May God and Guru bless you with understanding. SP