Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Forgiveness Of Inlaws
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 1/20/2006 4:24 PM MST

Waheguroo ji ka khalsa Waheguroo ji ki fateh,

I have had lot of resentment against my parents-in-laws as they made our married life hell with their selfish attitude. My husband physically & verbally abused me on several occasions; but I did not have the courage to leave for many reasons including one that I had hope that things will get better as the stress in our life diminishes. They manipulated my husband into supporting his siblings in addition to one of his siblings, who was ill and needed financial support for education, lived with us for 5 yrs; that sibling finally moved out with good job & now in good health. But call it a misfortune, that sibling lost the health & hence job, and wanted to move back in. This time; realizing the miseries we been through and now also having responsibly of our own children, I said ‘no’. That sibling, unable to get any health insurance and unable to support oneself, moved back to India. They disrespected me after that on every chance they got.
Finally two years ago, they left for India after a decade of agony. We have had blissful married life since then & peaceful environment at home. We reconnected with each other and with our children too. I tried to put my foot in their shoes and thought that their behavior probably came out of their ‘insecurity’ about their son whom they were dependent on, in US. I forgave(I think) them for all & began to live life of gratitude for all that we are blessed with than fretting over what we lost in those years. We also visited them in India. As opposed to my expectations that they will feel more secure and happy in their own home; to my surprise; they repeated the same assault on me that they did for years here. I felt insulted and like an outsider during my first visit at my in-laws home. Again I swallowed my pride during our visit of few days with them & acted graciously.
Now my husband wants to invite my parents-in-laws again. I already said ‘no’ but I wonder about the meanings of forgiveness. Time is a biggest healer, so I healed from the hurts. It does not necessarily mean that I forgave them. If I truly forgive them, would that only reflect in my letting them come and live with their grand-children? Can you also forgive someone who has never acknowledged their mistake and asked for your forgiveness? I do not mean to disrespect my husband’s parents, but I am so helpless that I can’t put myself again in a stressful & hence abusive situation as it tells me that nothing on their side has changed. Please advice. (If possible as per Gurbani too)
Guru Raakha!

*********
reply
*********
Sat nam. Bless you for your efforts to forgive. It is not easy! Forgiveness happens at many levels in the psyche, but full forgivness of something this deep is something you will feel in your entire being. It is not just mental, it is spiritual and emotional as well.

Some people cannot change their patterns of relating. Your inlaws only relate to you by such rudeness. As a Sikh, you do not have to take this; it is legitimate to defend yourself. In other words, you have to force a different pattern of relating, but you will need to speak up. Since you are not by yourself, your husband should really support you. But if he doesn't you still need to stand up for yourself. Your continued unhappiness is guaranteed if you do not, and if they come to stay with you permanently.

Draw a line in the sand that says "do not cross." Let them know they are not welcome unless they can be polite. If they are rude to you, pack their things and call a cab. Send them on their way. Think of it this way: what really do you have to lose by defending yourself by word and deed? There is nothing in Sikhi that says a woman needs to put herself down in relation to her inlaws or her children.
Some deep part of you feels you have to put up with this. Until you tell that part of you "no more" and then ACT on it, full forgiveness of the entire situation (your self and them) does not happen. Forgiving your husband also seems necessary, since he did not stand up for you at any point. if he had, that would have ended the matter.
Continue working on forgiveness, because it completes the karm you are living and lets you move forward. I recommend you recite Sukhmani daily with this intention. "Narayan sad sad bakshind" The Lord is the Forgiver of all.
Guru ang sang,
-DKK