Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Love Marriage...
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 12/06/2002 1:21 AM MST

Hi,

Hmmm... I don't know how to start. I've never done this before. I feel a little nervous about asking about this subject, but I feel like I need some good advice and after reading all the replies to all the different questions that so many people have asked, I feel like it might be a good idea to ask a question myself. I was born and raised in America, although I haven't forgotten my Indian culture, I never learned to accept the idea of an arranged marriage. I've seen that it works for a lot of people, but then again, a lot of my relatives are now regretting that they ever had an arranged marriage. My family knows exactly how I feel about arranged marriages, and a few months ago, my mom says to me that if I find someone who is Gursikh, then I can bring him to her and she'll consider it. 8 months ago, I found someone in the siknet matrimonial. We fell in love with each other.
4 months after we met, my dad comes to me and tells me that he wants me to get married now. He told me that he knows how much I hate the idea of an arranged marriage, but that I should trust his judgement and go through with what he wants. I told my boyfriend about this and he was completely ready to talk to him family about me. When he finally did, his family decided that for our happiness, they would call my family and ask for my hand in marriage. My family went crazy about it. They took all of my privilages away from me, and were even close to taking college away from me. But I guess they couldn't go that far because they knew how important college was to me. I talked to my mom about him, and I reminded her that she gave me permission to find someone who is of the same religion as me, and that I finally did find someone. When I told her this, she pretended like she never said anything, and told me to forget about him.
This all happened 4 months ago. My boyfriend and I are still in love and we still keep in touch with each other. He actually asked me to come online and ask you for some advice on what we should do now. We're really confused. Could you please help with some advice? Thanks in advance.

***************************************************

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh.

You met through Sikh Matrimonials. He's a Sikh. You're a Sikh. You're ready to marry each other and live a committed life to each other in front of the Guru and the sangat. There's everything good about this and nothing bad. The problem that you, as a young Sikh woman, are running into is not a "Sikh" problem at all - but a cultural one. Because it is the tradition, your parents want to arrange your marriage. You have already found someone to marry -and in an honorable way that can't cause any objections. So here's a big identity question. Are you a modern Western woman who makes her own decision and chooses her own life? Or are you a traditional Indian woman who leaves one of the most important decisions of her life in the hands of her parents? Or is there a happy medium between both?

As a Western woman, it's easy for me to sit here and say - my advice is marry the guy you found and don't worry about it. But the question is - how can you be an independent, modern woman without disrespecting your parents? One approach could be to open the dialogue with your parents and do whatever it takes to get them to see why this man you met is the right decision for you. It goes against generations of training for them to see a young woman selecting her own partner, but this is one of the beautiful gifts of freedom in the West. We can choose who to marry and, in this way, our life becomes our own. You have to trust your own judgement in America, you have to stand on your own two feet and take responsibility for your choices. And this is the blessing and the duty of being a free woman in this country.

The issue isn't who should you marry. The real issue is - who is going to decide how you live your life? You? Or your parents? You have to choose who is going to make the decision for you and then, once you make that choice - it will be clear about what to do with your marriage. Understand that there will be consequences either way.

I truly hope that this has been helpful for you.

Blessings to you, your boyfriend and your family.

All love,

GPK