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Summary of Question:	All About The Money
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Sunday, 5/01/2005 9:20 PM MDT

Sat Sri Akal,

I was hoping someone could shed some light on my situation. I am a 29 year old Sikh female living in Canada. I am facing a very difficult time right now and have been searching your site for days now looking for an answer to my problem. My Sikh boyfriend(fiance actually, I'll explain later) and I have been together for 2 years and want to get married-his parents disagree with his choice (me), here's the clincher, its not about caste (because we're both the same) but about money. His parents come from a background where they have a lot of money and are a powerful family back in India. My parents are originally from a small village in India- and therefore aren't "good enough" for them. I suspect they also think I'm not pretty, light, or tall enough for their family. (I know this sounds absurd, but it is true!) HIs mother has met me on about 3 occasions, but has never being "genuine" around me, and I can tell she only meets with me beacuse she is trying to appease her son. HIs father lives in India and is making his way here soon (next few months.) He also called my house and told my parents he is not happy about us wanting to get married and thinks his son is crazy and is making a big mistake. My parents have decided to step back and allow us to figure it out ourselves with their quiet support in the background.

My family lives here in Canada and his family lives in India, although they travel back and forth to visit him. My two siblings and I are highly educated(doctors and educators)despite the fact that my parents come from very poor upbringings.
I'm so hurt by the fact that Sikhs from India seem to think that a marriage between the families is so important especially when they do not even plan to ever live here, and we have such a loving and supportive relationship that has developed over the past two years. We are both Sikhs who are spiritual and want to start our lives a.s.a.p. My boyfriend proposed to me 5 months ago and gave me a ring promising marriage soon but has yet to tell them because he is afraid of hurting them and losing them. (He wants to wait for the right time.)

His family is trying to guilt trip him, threaten to disown him, etc but he is staying strong and standing up for us and our future marriage. I'm very thankful for this as I know many people in our situation are swayed at this point to give up and he will not.

My question is, what can I do to help the situation. I can't talk to his parents, they always seem to find something to complain about when they meet me. I've heard from others who know of his family that they are considered very, very, high class and will NEVER accept me or my family no matter what we try to do. My parents say to do paath and trust that Waheguru will do what is right. My parents support us 100% but are hurt and worried of what may come.
My other question is what advice to you have for him? I don't want to pressure him, and I do trust him and his vow to me. I want to support him in what I know is right in our hearts and I believe is in God's eyes, after all we are both Sikhs and want to committ our lives to one another before the Sri Guru Granth Sahib. PLease help, I need to stay strong during this time. Thank you.

(REPLY) Sat Nam. This is so sad! Snobbery, and "class" distinction -- over money?!! Really, this is so not right! If your fiance really, really is sincere about marrying you, then "waiting for the right time" won't work. There will never be a right time from what you've written. So, If he is willing to risk offending them, then he should stop waiting, and assert himself as soon as his father arrives. By the way, are you willing to accept the fact that you will probably always have an "in-law " problem? THis is unfortunate, but it iseems to be the reality. You should either forget about getting married or just go ahead and do it, whether his family disapproves or not. Meanwhile, I think your parents have given you excellent advice, God bless them! Pray and meditate and ask for Guru's guidance and help. I always call on Guru Ram DAs, the Lord of Miracles in difficult situations! And this is surely difficult. It's possible that after the marriage, and when there are children, his parents may relax and get over their snobbery -- but there's no guarantee. May God bless you and Guru give you both courage and wisdom to deal firmly but kindly with this obstacle. SP