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Summary of Question:	Unconsummated Marriage
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 7/09/2003 4:51 AM MDT

I am a amritdhari sikh and i had got married to non amritdhari divorced woman, i had asked about the problem of her first marriage, she had blamed her ex-husband, now right the first day of marriage she did not had sex with me, she said that she needs a time to know me now its about a one year of marriage, still she saying that she needs a time. i am very upset with this, she had not behaved properly with me in the past time, but now when i asked her to give me divorce, she said that she is trying to come close to me, she will have sex very soon. I am really very confused pleeeeeeeeese give me advice what can i do, I am appriciating with her in all the ways. Even she beleives in sikhism and she do a paath in the morning.

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal. Legally speaking, it seems that since your marriage is not consummated it is not a marriage. This woman has problems that have little to do with Sikhi or being non-Amritdhari. She really needs marriage counseling. Both of you together should get it. I realize counseling has unfortunate meanings in India; it is common in the West, and this is what is needed. ANd it needs to be someone with a degree in counseling/psychotherapy, etc., not the local matriarch.

I realize you love her as a person, but she is avoiding the sex issue altogether, for reasons she won't give you. In your other post, you mentioned that you masturbate: who can blame you? Stop guilt-tripping yourself over this whole thing. It's not your fault. Husbands have needs.

The best thing to do is support her to get well through counseling. Frankly, if she is unwilling to help herself move forward, then divorce is your right. No amount of thinking internally or confiding in girlfriends is going to make her well. Seeking counseling means that she (and you) are TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for improving your marriage. You cannot do it alone, nor can she. Perhaps something from her prior marriage has her scared. So consider trying to draw her out and have her discuss her fears with you (very privately, go somewhere like a park if that's what you need to discuss it). Get her to talk about it with you. And seek counseling, please. Guru ang sang,
-DKK