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Summary of Question:	How To Gain Acceptance Of Interracial Dating
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 9/05/2002 1:44 AM MDT

Sat Siri Akaal Ji,

I am twenty years old and began reading your
website recently and am very impressed by insight and
information that you provide, and I hope you keep up
the good work. I also hope you can help me out with a
problem of mine which I know will get a lot worse
before it gets better.
I have been dating "Jas" for six months and he
and I have a lot in common, communicate well, and in
short are in love and very well suited to each other.
We try not to get ahead of ourselves and talk about
marriage since I still have a few years of university
left and he might go to law school.
My parents have met him and approve, except for
the fact that his father doesn't know about me. Jas
doesn't want to tell his father yet because there is a
good chance he will disown him. His mother and sister
disapprove of me and can't understand why he doesn't
just find a nice Jatt Sikh Indian girl. I may one day
become a Sikh (for my own sake, not his), and I have
been learning the Punjabi language for a few years,
but there's not much I can do about being
Anglo-Scottish. Jas says his family are being racist
and bad Sikhs. However, they are his family and he
doesn't want to lose them.
Things have never been so rosy in his household,
though, and it has gotten to the point where his
sister is seriously considering an introduced marriage
just for the sake of leaving, and Jas has been told by
many friends and counsellors that he can never make
both his parents and himself happy and if he doesn't
move out soon he'll go completely barmy.
Jas worries that I have no idea what I have
gotten myself into, but I'm far more worried about
him. Do you have any advice?

God bless you,
Going Barmy in British Columbia

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REPLY
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Dear Going Barmy,
Sat Siri Akaal. Your assessment in all ways is on the mark. The counselor is right about Jas. But be sure that you understand the level of pressure Jas is under. In Indian families, the family comes first. The allegiance of a son is first and foremost to his mother and all sons are taught this from day one. This is because Indian families presume that the son will be there to take care of parents/the mother when the kids are grown and the parents/mother are old. In Indian society, a woman is defined by the men in her life: father, brother, uncle, husband and/or son. So the counselor is right, but you mustn't see the situation like we would in a typically North American context. This problem comes up again and again.

Additionally, your comment about caste/ethnicity is on the mark. Indian families are used to relating in a cultural context that is far more homogenous than not. So what are his parents going to tell the folks back home? This is important to them, despite the fact that they live in the West. And, since there are so many Indians in Canada, they feel he should never even have considered a non-Indian girl.

You are indeed doing your best. Do not be surprised if the bottom falls out for you. It is not Sikh to discriminate against others at all, but that doesn't seem to matter here. How to help you? Pray and pray. Be a model example and be yourself at the same time. Jas may be more afraid than he needs to be, or not afraid enough. It may be that you both just have to be courageous and live your own lives and let the chips fall where they may. While he may be disowned, I have seen such disownings end up in reconciliation, because, once married, folks have no choice but to accept the situation if they want their son and security back. In effect, it could be Jas telling them that he is still their son no matter what they say, and sooner or later they get over it and reconcile.

In the end, the only way interracial Indian/Western relationships are going to be accepted is for people to just do it! Otherwise it will always be a an issue, and God knows, it doesn't need to be in this day and age! God bless you and all the best,
-DKK