Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Truthfulness
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 2/07/2001 12:06 PM MST

Please keep this anonymous.

WJKK
WJKF,

Hello, I have a problem. I recently discovered my cousin is going out with this guy. It was purely accidental about how everything happened.
I needed to find something that I needed, and instead came across love
letters between the two and also, pictures. She came from out of the country which makes things even harder ; as it is our responsibility to care for her.
What I don't like is the sneaking around and things she is doing.
I'm sure her family doesn't know, as they wouldn't allow things of this
nature either.My family knows something is up ; but are clueless regarding further details.She goes out of town all the time and for days doesn't tell us where she's been except to say at a friends. I think things are getting out of hand, and all. It just makes me mad sometimes, and I just want to yell at
her that I know what is going on and if she can't speak a word of the truth
to us about it, then how will we ever be able to build a relationship
on trust. I used to have a lot of respect for her, but, now after all this it is slowly declining. Please, help me, and let me know what I should do.
this sneaking around is making it hard for myself, and my family to respect
her or treat her with kindness.

WJKK
WJKF

********
REPLY
********
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

Dear One;

In the end, the answer is the name of your post: truthfulness. Depending on your own personal relationship w/your cousin, you can pretend you did not find anything and 'let the chips fall where they may'. Or you can take her aside confidentially and personally and let he know flat out she is ruining her reputation, and bringing dishonor on your family, which is charged with taking care of her, and that she needs to alter her behavior, or come WAY out in the open and take full responsibility for her actions. A third option is to let the whole family know up front, but NOT if it in any way endangers your cousin's general health and well-being.

It is hard to control anyone who is of an age to make personal decisions. Guruji will hold her to account for her actions, not all of you because she lived in your house. She is the one doing this, not your family, so unless you lock her up, you cannot control her every move. It is wrong for ANYONE to think you/your family can take complete responsibility for her actions, because they are HER actions (and her boyfriend's too). But by your post it seems that YOU are taking responsibility for something that is NOT yours to take, which is her actions.

By NO means should you slander her or be unkind or mean to her. She is making a mistake of her own choosing; in her eyes it may not be a mistake. In Guruji's eyes, her relationship may be the love of her life. What do we know??? It is not a Gursikh's place to slander or mistreat ANYONE, period. Let her know how she has broken trust of you and your family. You can explain to her that a relationship that cannot be out in the open bears questioning (Is it because of shame? because he is not Sikh?, etc. Because boyfriend won't allow it?) But you cannot get her out of this problem unless she chooses to see it as a problem and resolve it.

Chant the Naam and keep her in your daily ardas. Ask Waheguru to resolve the situation to the highest good of ALL concerned, and don't try to figure out or program what that highest good is, even if you THINK you know. Siri Guru tells us that we can never know the whole story of someone's karms and Guru's plan for someone.

Guru rakha,
-DKK