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Summary of Question:	Friends With A Man Who Is Depressed
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 12/17/2003 2:39 PM MST

hi

i have a friend, hes a guy. he was amritdari at a stage but broke it later on cuz i think he didnt see ne point in it, which to me is really stupid. he used to pray alot and stuff but den he stopped and said dat it was jst keepin him away from all da bad things. for his backround info, he used to have a younga bro, who died in a car crash approximately more dan jst a year ago, his parents r divorced, and i think hes really depressed about life and often talks abt dat he dsnt wana live nomore or somthin like that. he drinks, smokes somtimes, but says he'll stop soon. im not sure if he will stop for good or wat. but i feel hes a good person, jst gone astray and lost his faith in God and is bitter abt life.

in a reply to one of the questions, u said to someone "if ure serious abt sikhi, den u wud stop any close contact with ppl who smoke and drink". for my background info, i am an amritdari girl who IS serious abt sikhi, infact its da only thing dat keeps me goin and now dat im into sikhi, life all makes sense to me. i talk to my friend, mentioned above, quite often. now is dat bad?? is it bad for me to have a friend whos a guy and who drinks and smokes?
should i stop talkin to him? i feel bad for him and i wish dat God wud make him beta and restore his faith somhow. i also feel bad dat if i stop talkin to him, i wud feel as if im lookin down at him, which i dont want to do and dont do to ppl. now u guys tell me am i WRONG for communicatin wid him???


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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal. You have to use your judgement, and be aware as I said in the other reply that it is VERY hard for a man & woman to be 'just friends.' Sooner or later it shifts, in most cases. This can result in a situation you didn't expect and don't want.

I would also caution you about 'enabling' this fellow to be depressed. It is easy to say "I'll stop soon." The very things that he says he'll stop doing he DOES BECAUSE he's depressed. They are his escape, and now that he's addicted, he's added that to his problems.

You'd both be better off telling him that his smoking and drinking distress you and you'd rather not be around him when he's doing either. Sometimes that is a wakeup call to someone that they are messing up their life. From the sound of it, this fellow needs professional counseling to get his life on track and to understand that he has a purpose here on earth. Have you suggested he speak to a counselor or get crisis intervention? You cannot do this for him nor can you bear his burden, which is what it sounds like you are trying to do. He has to WANT to recover from his depression. So by being an understanding and supportive woman who supports him in being depressed, are you really helping him get well or are you unwittingly helping him stay in his funk?

Wouldn't it be better to get some other folks your age together and approach him with a proposal that several of you will together and daily or regularly practice paath or naam simran. Or you and your/ his other friends get together and conduct an Akand Paath for him, and tell him you are doing this. The Naam is the cure for all ills. If you are doing these kinds of things, then you are a real friend. I did not mean that we should judge all people by whether they smoke or drink. However, Guru told us to avoid addictive things for a reason, and that bears remembering! Guru ang sang,
-DKK