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Summary of Question:	Being A Mother
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 3/06/2007 6:23 PM MST

SSA JII this is second time i am sending my problem please help me and answer me this time.

I am very much confused about my situation. I hope you can help me for this. I been married almost two in the half year and I do not understand why I am not ready to be mom. I ask this question to myself but I cannot get the answer for this. I know I can convince any time we (me and my husband) want it. We made the decision that after marriage (I have an arranged marriage) we will have our first baby in 2-3 years. Time is coming very close but I am not mentally prepared for being mom. Is that a good idea for me to get pregnant? Am I forcing myself? Because everyone is after me having baby. Our parents also keeping asking me the same question repeatedly. I always make any excuse, but for how long I should do these. Our parents want this baby badly. This baby will be their first grandchild. I always tell my husband everything and he told me just ignore all these. We need some time to understand each other.

We lived apart a year after marriage due to immigration. We both are unknown to each other when he came to US. Therefore, we take our relationship slowly. Something also make me upset, whenever I go to gurdware shab or any party. Every woman come to me and asks me this same question again. When you give us good news. When is the little one coming, its getting too late now? You should get now otherwise you will not get later. They also said, “If you don’t get the baby this year, your husband will leave you then what you will do?” I told them that is my husband’s decision. She said to me, “who knows what your husband’s planning for future and maybe he doesn’t want to have baby with you. All of these things hurt me badly and I cried lot. I talked to my husband. He got surprised. He told me, “He won’t leave me forever and love me. I do not understand only child is important for good relationship, not my life, my feeling. I do not understand what I should do. Should I believe on my husband or these people? However, sometime I think if all of these people are right then what should I do? Please help me. All of these things scared and depress me.

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reply
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Sat nam. YOu must live your lives together and for yourselves, not in relation to what other people think. There are many many married couples in this world who choose to wait 3-5 years, while they stabilize their home scene, their married relationship, their income, etc. Do not have a baby just because your community or parents/in-laws are pressuring you to. If you don't 'feel ready' it is probably not wise to embark on pregnancy and motherhood. Do not let yourself be so swayed by other's thinking. They are not you, they are not living your lives, and they seem to thrive on gossip and spread rumors than try to engage in thinking a little differently: that it is acceptable and maybe a good idea to plan childrearing rather than embark on it without a bit of preparation. It is OK to be different, you know.

Build your inner strength by chanting the naam and reciting Sukhmani Paath with your husband. Be so attuned to one another that you become immune to the gossip and rumors of others.

Now, a few points of advice on preparing for parenthood. In some ways, people NEVER feel ready for their first child. It is a big deal, a big responsibility and a major and permanent change in your lives. Most folks therefore just 'take the plunge' at some point. Talk to close friends or engage in counseling because I think you may be afraid, and you need to talk your fears out to some one. Your friends and family could be good sources of support for pregnancy and parenthood advice, as a way to get ready. Depending on where you live (USA, UK, Canada) there are affordable and free courses available through community colleges and resources that teach parenting skill and well-pregnancy. 3HO offers courses in well-pregnancy, if you can find a class or course in your area (www.3ho.org) There are hundreds of books out there, not to mention internet sources. You can actively engage in preparing for parenthood, you know.
Guru ang sang,
-DK