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Summary of Question:	Is It Him, Or Is It Really Me?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 7/21/2005 2:27 PM MDT

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru ji ki fateh. First I wanted to thank all those running this website and providing insight on all the great questions that are asked. I feel that its so important to have guiding and direction in the time we are living were everything is questioned. I have personally posted here before and have found the responses great.

What brings me here is what I would like to be a turning point in my life. I have been with a Sikh fellow for the past little while and have experience a very interesting relationship. This particular individual based on numerous conversations has experience great levels of spirituality both high and low. They have consisted of wonderful enlightening experiences as well as experiences of being distant from the self and those around him. One of the complexities that he continues to face in his life, at very regular intervals as our relationship progresses, are themes of what love is and the entire concept of his purpose in life. Over time I see him go through this cycle of duality where he embraces all that comes his way, with open arms, and excitement, and at other times, I have seen him retrieve completely out of this world and perhaps into another, were he keeps to him self and becomes uncertain of all things. this includes his purpose in life, the place that we have in each others life. He contemplates all facets of his life and is uncertain about everything. And then he emerges again, back to the world, the mood is gone etc. We have spoke about this, usually when he returns from this some what sedated phase, and often he shares an experience of detachment, and that there is something he needs to discover and realize, especially with the topic of love an purpose of his own life. He feels and knows that the purpose of life is not to run after worldly goods (and that it hasn't provided him with any satisfaction and the same goes for love. He is convinced - and I think he is right that its much deeper than three words and goes much deeper than that) and superficial love.

As an outsider looking in, I must admit I have found his going through this phases sometimes frustrating, because I sometimes see his behavior as though he trying to put me at a distance. It does get challenging, because when he gets into the moods, he is uncertain about his feelings for me, and questions things a lot. I know that he can't freely tell me he loves me because he feels that he yet has to discover the free true love, as guru had meant for us to experience (its hard for me except, but perhaps its me that is expecting him to love me with worldly love not true love. Perhaps it I who is to eager to hear the three words, without realizing how empty those words can be.). I do feel sometimes that perhaps his level of spiritual exploration is higher than mine, and its me who is not the understanding one or the one that's trying to grow in trying to explore what love really is. I am not sure if there is anything I can do to help him when he is going through his phases, but I would like to explore this true love that is looking to seek, along side him. Although I understand that the discovery must happen on an individual basis.

I wanted to post this, because I feel that I am knee deep in this, and am not able to look at it subject enough. But I was hoping that someone can provide some feedback, on whether there is an issue here or is he just trying to explore himself, and I am not. Any advice, or if someone had similar experiences to share and can relate to this. Or if there are any bani's that I can do to help bring our souls in sync with each other to facilitate the discovery process.

Satnam.
(REPY) Sat Nam. I don't think either of you will ever solve these questions until/unless you marry each other. Dating a guy is not the way to understand what love is, similarly, when/if he decides to marry (Highly recommended by Guru Nanak!!) then true love can develop. Even so, the love that we experience between husband and wife they say is just a pale reflection of the bliss of divine love with God. However, the path of "Grishth Ashram) a Married Life is one way both a man and a woman can work together to achieve that ultimate divine Union with God. Meanwhile, they can enjoy a tru human love. Loving the God in each other in the midst of the day to day challenges of mundane life is the opportunity marriage provides. I hope it works out for you. Has he taken Amrit? How about you? The 7 steps to happiness begin with Commitment! (And the holds for the commitment to marriage as well.) May God bless you and Guru guide you to live in your highest consciousnes. SP