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Summary of Question:	Is My Marriage On The Right Path?
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Monday, 1/27/2003 7:15 AM MST

Sat Sri Akal,

i have questions regarding my marriage. i've been married for around 8 months now. but things are just not going right. me and my husband fight alot. we have different ways of thinking and our views clash alot. there is nothing like love, trust or understanding in our marriage. he loves his parents but doesn't like mine. he's not very religious. i've started doing path after marriage because i realised that only God can help me have some peace. i try to just avoid arguements and fights but anything i say or do can start one anytime. this is because my husband and his parents think that i'm always wrong. i'm misunderstood alot of times. even if i talk about something generally, they think its sarcastic. my husband's got a huge ego problem. he is more an american than a sikh. i've tries talking to him but thats no use.
i try to do regular doing the Japji Saheb path and Chaupai. sometimes i do Kirtan Sohila path too. i realise that this helps me but i want some peace of mind. i wonder is it going to be the same for the rest of my life with my marriage? please reply.

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Sat Siri Akal.

Comunication between two people can sometimes be difficult - especially between a newly married couple. Men and women, in general, think very differently, speak differently, have different priorities and in a marriage - it takes time and patience to find a common way of thinking and speaking so you can make decisions jointly. Both partners need to work at it, though, need to feel that it is important.

So - first some tips to you about how women can be successful talking to men. Men tend to be more insecure than women, though they show it less. Sometimes the most innocent statements can be taken as a challenge to their authority or territory and so men react by becoming agressive. Before you speak with your husband, ask yourself: what's the purpose of the communication? Why are you talking? If you need to share your feelings, find some female friends because women LOVE talking about their feelings but men can only handle so much before they go nuts. If it's to discuss an issue in the marriage that needs to be decided on - paying bills, planning a family, etc. - speak from a neutral place within yourself, graciously, and strive to find the common wisdom between you. Men aren't very good at taking orders from women - so the phrase, "Might I suggest..." is ALWAYS useful. Avoid telling a man anything. Make neutral suggestions and stay unattached to the outcome.

If you're speaking just to connect with him, be graceful in your tone and adopt the atttidue of selfless service towards his soul. This can be really hard for a woman because our own egos get in the way. "Why should I serve him?" It's not about being a servant. It's about a gracious warmth towards his soul where you recognize the Divine in him and serve that. Have no expectation of your husband. He will never make you happy. That's not what a marriage is about. Make yourself happy and serve him as a friend. If you try this, you may find that the two of you fight less.

Good luck.

All love,

GPK