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Summary of Question:	Family Conflict
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Sunday, 4/27/2003 7:38 AM MDT

hi, i'm Manny, and i'm a 17 yr old girl from england. i have asked for advice from you before, but the problems just seem to be coming back. i hope you can help me once more. When i was very young, my parents got divorced. since then i had became very close to my brother, he was like my best friend. hes 23 years of age, and he is engaged. the problems started when they moved in together before marriage. i had no problem with this. however, some members of the family did. my mom and my brother havent really got on ever, and in december last year my brother got drunk and accused my mother of having a problem with "his mrs". this did not go down too well with my mother, as she has a lot of pride, as with being a single mother. some really bad things happened that night and i could'nt belive my eyes. since then , my mother and my future bhabi have not spoken. she doesnt come into the house when my bother visits. she sits in the car waiting for him, so he cant stay long.

the following january, my 'bhabi' emailed me. things were fine between us but i asked her if we could all sit down a nd sort this problem out. she then said this and that about my brother and my mother, mostly negative. i became very defensive. later that night my brother rang me and said he wanted to talk. i said i was busy revising for my AS level exam the next day, and asked him if it could wait, but he then started to say things which resulted in me demanding answers, he said that i needed to sort out my attitude, that i pre-judged people, that i neede to grow up a little, along with many other insults. my immediate thought was that my bhabi must have said something to him, and he was sorting me out on her behalf. this went on for a few hours until the aerly morning, he reduced me to tears. he even said we used toi be close but now we werent. since then his fiance has not talked to me. although i have not attempted to talk to her, i have assumed she doesnt give a damn. my brother has just recently said that she doesnt care any more. but i still do. whats more is, shes older than him. they want to marry this year, but i dont think it will be a good day if no one gets on. her family havent tried to sort things out with us, so how is ther supposed to be a wedding? years ago we tried to sort things out, but her father was very angry at the whole situation of her leaving home. i have since sarted to speak to my father a lot more and he cant beleive what he is seeing. i have exams in just over a month which will help towards my universoty entry next year, but i dont think i can carry on with this. i have told them how i feel but they just dont understand. i feel so tired now, i almost want to give up my education. i feel that i need a break. as for the exam in january, my head was screwed up, and i performed really badly. do you have any exam advice for me? i need to boost my confidence not just for my education and achieving my goals, but as a person in general. but i hate this family conflict. me and my brother have since drifted apart, which i never thought could happen as he is my only brother. what can i do??? should they listen to me for a change??? or is it because i'm still a kid?
please help..
Thankyou
(REPLY) Sat Nam. I don't think you're "still a kid" -- in fact, in all of this family mess, you seem to be the one with the mature attitude of wanting to communicate and mend the broken relationships. However, for your own survival, and for your own future, I think you need to focus your attention on your studies, and NOT on your family. God bless them, pray for them, but don't take the responsibility on your young shoulders to "make everything right." It is sad that you and your brother have lost that close childhood relationship, and maybe someday you can regain a happy relationship, but right now it seems that no one is willing to listen to reason, so please don't make yourself sick over this. As much as we love our family, they are not the purpose in life. Go to the Guru, read your banis, get a perspective on the destiny that God has planned for you, and do your best to be loving and kind to everyone, and let the rest of them fight it out as they wish, but stay out of it! It is sad that people cannot or will not let go of pettiness and gossip, but that is, unfortunately part of human nature. If we follow the Guru's teachings, we rise above that and strive to be saintly, and never speak a word against anyone, and forgive those who have hurt us. Remember, whoever slanders or lies does so because they don't know any better. You do know better! So again, please, don't ruin your life over these family squabbles. I wish you all the power and grace of Adi Shakti! Be a Khalsa woman, and set an example. Blessings with love, SP