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Summary of Question:	Mother In Law Problems
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 1/30/2004 1:11 AM MST

Dear Sikhnet,

I have a problem in which I need help. My main problem is my mother in law.
I was living in the UK and I met my husband and we decided to get married as we liked each other so I left my job and came to Canada with my family to get married to him as he lives in Canada, all my family were against my decision as they wanted me to marry a clean-shaved Sikh but I loved my husband for who he was, it made me proud that he wore a turban.
My husband has always been a good son and looked after his Mum and Brother since his Father passed away four years ago. My mother in law is very religious and has taken Amrit and does Paath everyday.
My husband has always worked hard and completed his Degree and made sure my mother in law never had to work.
My mother in law took minumum responsibility for the wedding both financially and emotionally.

After our wedding we came back from our honeymoon and this is when the problems began.
1. We were not allowed to have a lock on our bedroom door. But my husband persisted, which my mother in law was really upset about and accused us for being seperate from her and cried alot.
2. My mother in law continually bad mouthed my family and myself and also argued with my family before the wedding. I was told that i couldn't use the phone or the dishwasherin the house, plus there other minor issues.
3. All day my husband used to argue with my mother in law on how she was treating me badly. I used to get very stressed out when I heard them argue which made me have migranes and vomit. Because I got ill my mother in law used to call me "bhemar Kuri" which used to hurt my husband's feelings a lot.
4. I'm currently in Canada on a tourist visa and I have no health insurance in this country. I was told in UK I need a Laproscopy done and it required my husband to be there with me in the Fertility Clinic. My husband wanted to come with me to UK to support me at the procedure but my mother in law insisted that I should go by myself. At one point my husband and I were told we could go for the operation on a condition that we had to take everything with us (all our belongings) so she could rent out our bedroom.
5. My mother in law would get very upset if me and my husband went out alone or spent time together. When we would go out she would call us on the mobile to come home or lock us out of the house.
6. We considered moving out because my husband couldn't see me ill anymore and then my mother in law started crying and did not want my husband to leave her. So we thought we would try again and we asked for advice from an Uncle and Aunty who had two happy daughter in laws living with them to see maybe if we could all try again. Things seemed to get better, for a COUPLE of days and then it was back to "Normal" again.
7. My husband started to look for jobs in UK as he was not working at the time and my mother in law found out so she told us to leave or she'd call the police, so we left.
Since we have left the problem has not stopped which is why we need your advice. My mother in law continues to lie to everyone and has twisted the truth to make herself look and feel good. She tells everyone that we have left her, which in turn makes people feel sorry for her.
We need to know how do we get her to stop lying to everyone as everyone is turning against us which makes us feel sad and isolated and we feel that this problem should be sorted out within the family.
Your advice would be greatly appreciated
Thank you
A Newly Married Sikh Couple

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reply
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Sat SIri Akaal. Your problems have been discussed on this forum. Search the searchbar using mother+in+law and you'll see.
Your Mother-in-law if very insecure. She was raised to identify with the men in her life, and your husband is that man, now. She is, more than anything, afraid of being alone. Women in the West don't fear this they way I have seen Indian women fear it.
You and your husband have EVERY right to marital privacy of every kind. She is afraid of losing your husband/her son to you in such a way that you rule the roost. She won't have it that way at all. The only way to end this rule of mothers-in-law over their sons is is to end it, period.

Your husband is to be commended for standing up for you and your marital privacy; others write in that the husband lets the wife take it ALL.

Frankly, in Canada and UK it is easier than in India to move out. If you can, move out. Make sure she is supported, of course. Perhaps an apartment building for seniors will work. Oh sure, she'll raise a fuss. Seems nothing you are he says will make her feel better. She shows her own insecurity and unreasonableness by her actions, but you must not act to simply shut her up by doing as she bids. You will never be happy.

Another option is to move her out. To a place nearby. Have your own locks, she has her own locks. Maybe get her a maid or someone to help around the house.
Your son has more power in this matter than he thinks, since she is counting on him for everything.

I know it sounds mean, but perhaps he should simply threaten to move her out or for you both to move out and leave her alone. UNLESS, she starts treating you both with respect, and of course, you treat her with respect. And allow you your marital privacy. If this happens, help her get involved in Gurdwara or activities involving other widows in the community. She needs something to identify with BESIDES her son. It's a bit of blackmail, but it is also drawing a line in the sand that you have a right to draw.
Guru ang sang and good luck and be careful,
-DKK