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Summary of Question:	Mother In Law Problems
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 9/16/2003 7:01 AM MDT

Hi,

I need some advice about my relationship with my mother in law. We don't get on very well, and my husband always supports his mother every time! I always feel left out and and like I don't belong. I have been married just over a year and live with my husbands parents. Please can you give me some useful advice as this matter is really taking its toll on me and my happiness.

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal. Others have asked this same question. It seems to be a common problem for Sikh couples that live with the husband's parents. Look at it from your husband's point of view. He/you are in THEIR house. It is an expectation that he will be there to take care of his mother (and father) as they age. For him to side with you goes against his mother/his elder. I'm not agreeing with it. I am saying that something in the Indian cultural tradition says that the son's wife is low on the pecking order compared to the son's mother, and that what the mother says rules. Since it is his parents' house, you are, in effect, the outsider. This cultural tradition is very divisive to strong families and it is contrary to Sikhi, generally.

Probably in her eyes you will never be good enough for him. OR, --and this is more likely, she was treated poorly by HER mother in law, so she is perpetuating it. It is, to some degree, a test. But how do you pass it? I agree that it is no way to live, to feel harassed and unloved.

The best solution is for you to have your own home not in their home. This could be across the street! More than anything your mother in law needs to know she will be provided for. This doesn't mean you have to live together, though! It could also mean the 2 of you buying your own home to YOUR standards, and if they end up living with you there, OK. But it's different if it's YOUR home, not the home he grew up in. It changes the balance of power subtly. I have one girlfriend in Amritsar who is working to take this approach so she can run the household as she sees fit.

Here are some other options, you will have to decide what is appropriate. Anything you do will require courage. It will also require some spine on the part of your husband.
-- you could confront your mother-in-law and ask her to be honest with you about why she harasses you. (This is a very western tactic, I know). You could also express compassion that she was probably treated the same way, and remind her of how horrible it felt. Does she really want to perpetuate it?
-- Perhaps she thinks there is no other way to assure that she is #1 woman in the house. She feels threatened by you because you take the affections of her son (which is your right). Show her otherwise. This means you need to find ways (example and words) that indicate that she will have your respect (and more of it) if she treats you kindly, but that he is your husband and that also give you some rights.
-- Speak to your husband alone and make very sure he knows that you feel worthless in his eyes when he ignores your perspective/opinion. You are married to each other, not to his parents. Remind him what Guru Amar Das said (SGGS page 788) "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies." Guru says nothing here about mothers! Ask your husband what HE is afraid of. Indicate that your happiness together is going to require some sense of being a unit, not the lackeys of his parents. Insist that he not always side with her, and be creative about showing how much it bothers you... .
--- Choose your battles. Bow your head on the little things and stand up for yourself on the stuff that really matters to you most. It's not the life you lead, it's the courage you bring to it.
--- If you can, get work outside the home. This will get you OUT of the house and help you to create something for yourself. Or volunteer with a gurdwara or some charity where you can do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Don't link your identity SOLELY with being married/a wife/daughter-in-law.
--- DO NOT have children until you feel you are ready at all levels. Do not bow to pressure to have children. This expectation can wreak havoc on a marriage if the children come too soon before husband and wife establish a comfortable rhythm of being together. (Also, do not bow to pressure to have only boys. Refuse to learn the baby's sex ahead of time and wait until the baby is born.)

I realize most of these ideas go against tradition. Who says tradition is right if it causes one to be unhappy?? Above all, make time each day to chant the Naam meditatively for a while. It's really best if you insist your husband do this with you. Chanting together will strengthen your relationship and lend it harmony. It will also give you the mental strength you need to be yourself, in yourself, rather than what they think you should be. This goes for your husband too.
Guru ang sang,
-DKK