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Summary of Question:	Marriage Success
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 1/24/2003 8:52 AM MST

I was hesitant to write about this because i fear the judgement that will come along once this maybe harsh. But i need guidance, not help, just guidance. So far Baba jis brought me lots of guidance but sometimes things seem faint. I had a relationship with someone for two yrs. It was a good relationship, respectable, we had mutual agreements about physically going to what limits. We both are Sikhs, and had similar levels of spirituality. Well..my parents rushed about marriage, he wasn't ready. I had told my parents about him (i dont lie to my parents). My parents didn't seem to be fascinated with the idea of me waiting for marriage untill he's ready, done with college and has a job. They wanted me wed right there and then. I couldn't force him, i know he has responsibilities to his families. A man has to be on his feet before he can take responsibility for a "wife". I dont know if he realizes that i understand that about him. I was left with no choice (i know this is where everybody attacks me & say u had a choice) you aren't in my shoes, you dont know that I had NO choice. Anyway, my parents got me married to a professional, knowing about my previous relationship, they asked of me for only this. I cried my eyes out the night before the marriage, but my entire family ignored that. Im not making them sound cruel, i understand they feel they are right at their place. After a few months, my ex-boyfriend try to get in touch with me. I dont know if i have feelings for him, i am true to my husband, becuase he is a blessing. I wouldn't betray him ever. We have our differences but he's a good man and just adores my parents. I know what sorts of sacrifices my parents did for me, i wanted them happy and now they are. Its easy for someone to say "hey this is America" open your eyes, but i come from a strict family, i dont have a choice of making "american" decisions , beceause that means my family will divorce me forever. Its not an exaggeration, everyone knows what there parents are capable of. I'm not a child, i am 22, i know how my family is. Moving on, my ex & i have been talking on daily basis, its been casual talk. Hows ur day, mines fine, how was school sorta stuff. I can't seem to let go of the attachment. Sometimes we talk and he's speaking but in my mind im thinking why am i on the phone with him. I feel that he still loves me, he's a close book so he will never admit to me or himself that he still loves me. He realizes that he will lose me, but i know he can't handle it. Well...i haven't told my precious husband about me speaking to him. I was honest with my husband about my previous relationship. I didn't want to get into the sacred marraige with lies. But it seems like i can't stop talking to my ex friend. I am not sure what i am looking for , or if i am looking for something. But I just need to be reminded of the importance of the relationship with Baba ji in my life. You can judge me if you like, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

(REPLY) Sat Nam. I think you already know the answer to your situation, but you don't want to accept it. Whatever happened in the past is over and done. You are now married, and from what you have written, it seems that you are married to a good man, and that you honor the vows you have taken. So, if you want to avoid spoiling your life, then let the past go. I'm sorry to say, that means that your contacting your formmer boyfriend on a regular basis is not wise. There's an old saying, "Don't play with fire, or you're going to get burned." It may seem "innocent" to have these conversations, but whether you know it or not, they are keeping you connected to your past, and undermining your present peace of mind and total commitment to your marriage and your future. It will be hard to tell your friend to stop calling you, but you already know that it's the right thing to do, or you would not even have writtten your question! By all means assure him that you wish him well, but you each must move on with your lives, and there should be no further communication between you. He needs to find someone else to marry, and you need to focus your attention on your husband, without any distraction. May God bless you and Guru guide you with loving kindness to live in righteousness. SP