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Summary of Question:	Frustrated And Scared
Category:	Hair
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 7/23/2002 3:26 PM MDT

WJKK, WJKF!

I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to talk about my own problems openly to other people, but since I ain't going to be facing anyone while I'm opening up my heart, I thought I'd give this forum a try. I'm 19 right now and going to uni,I was around 13 when I went through the amrit ceremony, but then the Panj Pyare gave me a choice of whether I would like to take amrit or a chula (when you don't follow all rules of amrit, it's sort of a starting point thing). I was very undecided. The only reason I took chula was to make my parents happy, so that I wouldn't be left out of the family, but I guess they didn't know that. My parents and brothers were also there to take amrit. I was not ready for such a big change, but since I'm the eldest and have always tried to make my parents happy by keeping my feelings hidden from them I thought why not. Well, I still felt the social pressures of everyday life about the usual...to cut hair, shave b/c of sports etc. and I didn't cover my head and my parents were quite irritated with that and used to pressure and bug me about it (to cover my head etc. b/c I had taken chula), but now they have laid off the pressure a bit, but I still get it pressured sometimes. My parents wanted me to take amrit after a couple of years, but I just avoided the issue b/c I wasn't really sure of what I wanted and was still growing up in a confused state of mixed values. Now my mom tells everyone that I have taken amrit and when I deny it she says that "you have taken amrit, b/c even a little sip of amrit means you have become baptised". I get really frustrated about this and say 'no' b/c it's not consistant w/ what I had previously known (that I had'nt taken 'full amrit'and that the chula was just a beginning sort of thing on the path to amrit). I recently plucked some hair off my face b/c of my personal insecurity and b/c of my non-amrit frame of mind and my mom has noticed and she question me about it and I said 'no'- an outright lie b/c I was afraid of what she might do to me. She threatened me that my Dad will not like this at all - so I lied again, didn't tell the truth, didn't speak my mind b/c I didn't want to hurt them. She hasn't asked me about it again, but she might... I know I have done something wrong, but the thing is that I had made no previous commitment to this (amrit) way of life.. I did in the first few years of having taken 'chula', but after that my faith in it just started wavering b/c of what I saw other people who were close to me were doing. I don't have that strong frame of mind anymore even though I do believe in God and still do my panj bani's in the morning. Now, I just don't know what to do...Should I tell them the truth next time they ask?bwhat should I say because I don't want anything drastic to happen to me (like them kicking me out of the house or stop talking to me). This whole situation has been eating away inside of me for so long and I want some sort of closure or end and I thought that you could at least help me out b/c I am unable to talk about the most private things that concernme tomyparents or friends and whenever I do this something inside of me just bursts and I feel really depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I have read many of your answers to other peoples questions and they seem very helpful and I was wondering if you could help this pitiful person out so that she can get back on the path to sikhi and not falter I can't carry on being a fake person to myself and others. Please help
Thank- you so much for your time, patience and utmost concern for a bad sikh like me. Thank-you so much for just caring.

(REPLY) Sat Nam! No wonder you feel so awful, because you are torn between wanting to please your parents, and still being true to yourself. This is a hard situation to be in, where you're pulled apart. I have the greatest respect and appreciation for taking Amrit, and for the blessings of commitment and consciousness that it bestows, but I do not believe anyone should ever be forced to make that commitment! You have lied, as you said, because you couldn't face the consequences of telling the truth, and that is understandable, But now, you're 19, you're not a child, and it's time for you to decide how you want to live your life. And if your understanding - as you say was told to you when you were 13- that you really haven't taken the vows of Amrit, then you're going to have to be brave and discuss this openly and honestly with your parents. Because to live in duality is not the Sikh way of life! It is not required for every Sikh to take Amrit -- as desirable and wonderful as it is -- and you should not feel obligated to do anything that you feel in your heart and soul is not best for you. It is your life, your destiny, and your future. As for being influenced by people around you (who don't live as Amritdhari) -- again, that is beside the point. Khalsa was born from those who didn't care about the thousands who ran away, but those five, the Panj Piare were willing to give their heads. Once a person has given their head to the Guru, then there is a sweetness in life that is unequalled. But, if you don't want to make that big commitment, then no one should insist, nor make you feel guilty about it. Painful as the scene may be to come, honesty is the best policy, and if you are strong in your conviction, then you are deserving of respect for that. It doesn't sound to me as if you are doing anything "evil" -- though obviously you aren't doing everything that an Amrit Dhari Sikh would do -- but you never promised that you would, right? Reeading your banis is wonderful, and keep doing it - no matter what! Meanwhilel, you're going to have to assert youself with your parents. Be sure that you assure your parents that you love and respect them, but explain that you cannot continue living in duality, feeling that you are living a lie, and that you know they love you and want the best for you, but it has to be your own personal choice, not what anyone forces upon you. I can't believe that they would throw you out of the house for being honest! And, if there's some cold silence for a while, well, so be it. If you want to stop suffering you have to either take Amrit and live up to it, or tell your parents the truth of how you feel, and whatever consequences come, at least you will be true to yourself, and out of duality. It is duality that is the "sin." May God bless you and Guru guide you. SP