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Summary of Question:	Confusion
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Friday, 7/13/2001 6:33 PM MDT

SAT SRI AKAL,

It has only been 2 and a half years since I've taken Amrit. Although I understand and am aware of the code of conduct(ie getting up at Amrit Vela, doing your Nitnem, meditation etc)I find that I'm never stable in my discipline. Some days I will be able to get up early and pray and other days it will be difficult to get up or it's a matter of me not making the time to do the paath during the day because of other chores. This up and down is worrying me. It not only happens with my Nitnam routine but it also happens with things like washing your hair every day and combing it twice. It seems that no matter how hard I try and how much I may desire inside to lead a strictly disciplined life I just can't. As a result I often doubt whether or not taking Amrit was for me and I also begin to doubt Guruji (which is very shameful) I'm wondering why this is happening to me and if I will ever get this routine straight. I always think to myself there's tommorrow for me to start again fresh, but even after the routine goes o

k for a couple of days I end up breaking the habit again. thus I get more discouraged and even depressed. So my question is does this imply that Amrit was not meant for me? and what could this possibly mean? Isn't breaking rehat wrong and more sinful than not praying at all? Please help me.
I've also realized that my drive to be good and pure is based on the mistakes I've done in life and my fear of what is going to happen to me after I die. I know that deep down inside my heart I have a love for Guruji but it seems that the love isn't that strong or it;s not growing as I wish it to be. I sincerely want to love fear and respect God with no ulterior motives but I don't know how to. and I also don't want to acknowledge that this is only in Waheguru's hands to instill that true love within because if I did know that I could never have that love I would never be happy living this life. If I keep behaving the way that I am right now, not waking up at Amrit vela Regularly and then not doing paath regularly then I am surely not treading the path that I should be. (you wouldn't believe the things that I've done to get me to wake up sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't) It's actually been a little over a month now that I haven't been doing my nitmem regularly. I feel so guilty when I go to the Gurdwha

ra knowing that I don't have it done)

So my question is should I be worrying? and what if anything can I do to help myself? Why is it that lately I haven't felt like doing my paath? what is wrong with me? please help

also I would like to share with you that in the past I have felt very strongly about Christ particulary beacause of the way that he was treated by others in his community. Our Gurus all received respect and were worshipped by their followers (for the most part) and I've always wondered why Christ never received that type of respect. (even today I don't believe that he receives the respect he deserves) Now as an Amritdhara am I wrong to feel this way about Christ? is it a sin?

please help
HK

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reply
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Dear GurSikh,

Your worrying and fretting is sabbatoging yourself. With sincerity and consciousness do your best. Some days it goes perfectly, some days it doesn't. Its your consciousness which is the most important. If we are doing our banis, thinking about other things, what good is it? When you do your practice, do it with whole heart and soul. When you can't get up, chant to yourself and think about God and Guru with every breath. One time Yogi Bhajan asked us "what is spirituality?" We answered all kinds of things - meditation, bani, God, etc., etc.. Now of course spirituality can be those things too, but he was trying to make a special point to us that night. He said, "a spiritual person is kind and humble." Hopefully reading our banis helps us have the consciousness to be kind and humble. Relax and do your practive with love and soul. GTKK