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Summary of Question:	Reply To Girls With A Past
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Monday, 3/17/2003 4:08 PM MDT

In your reply to this message you said that a girl should lie to her prospective husband about any past she may have had. All I've got to say is that if a man has spent all his life following his religion and saving himself for his wife, is it right that he should meet a wife who lies about her past so that the man thinks she has lead her life in a similar manner?

Ultimately if a man lies about his past he is just as bad as the woman who lies. So there is no double standard. If I had a past I would tell any prospective wife about it in advance and she can make her own judgement. If I do not get the same respect and honesty back from that person then whats the point in ever getting married? The whole marriage from the start is based upon lies. A person is today what he is a result of his/her past.

In that case you might as well start telling convicted rapists and murderers, that their past is their past so you dont have to tell your any girl you meet in view of a marriage about it. I know you might say well to murder is a lot worse, but the point is if it's ok to go into a marriage by deceiving your spouse then whos to say what is an acceptable lie and what isn't?

Ultimately a person marries what he/she thinks is the spouse, if the spouse is not what he/she thinks but just an 'actor' who's playing a role and the history of a fictional person than is it really marriage or just a game?

I think the whole sanctity of marriage is rendered worthless when a person enters it with lies.

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Sat Siri Akal.

There is another way to look at this which is that past is past - why bring it into the present? It is one thing if someone is still, in the present, acting in inappropriate ways. But if someone misbehaved in the past and has changed and committed to their values, then there is no reason to tell anyone about it. What counts is the way a person behaves today. What counts is the future they are building with their partners today. It doesn't matter if someone made a mistake several years ago. To bring it up, like a confession, will only create confusion and pain. I am who I am NOW - not who I was then. And it is too easy for people to fall into judgements and fears about the way someone "used to be."

It is a question of identity. It is my own personal belief that we cannot hold ourselves hostage to those few moments in life when we made the wrong choices. It is my belief that we do not have to destroy our futures by telling people about those wrong choices. Choices happened. They were an error. It's done. The less said the better. What counts is today.

Of course, quite a few people have written into this forum and disagreed with the point of view I am expressing here. It is up to the readers to decide what they would prefer in themselves and others. The moderators of this forum are here to offer advice, but we by no means consider ourselves the final authority on any issue.

All love,

GPK