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Summary of Question:	Family Or Love???
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 12/14/2004 10:31 PM MST

hey,

I'm not sure if you've been asked this quetions before but i've been put in a difficult place and don't have too many people to turn to for some advice.

I'm a 20 year old sikh girl, I live at home with my parents, brother and my grandparents, so we do have a fairly traditional household. I respect my parents and most of all my dada ji more than anyone else in my life. He has taught me a lot and alway encourged me to be the best i can be. I'm an honor student finished high school with honors and now i'm attending university, my second year. Almost 2 years ago i came across a guy who wasn't my type or a kind a person who i thought i would ever be interested in talking to. He wasn't the brightest person, didn't go to class, smoked up, use to drink a lot and worst of all involved in gangs. But some how he managed to talk to me, and i was interested he seemed to understand things i was saying to him and we could have meaningful conversations for hours about anything.

After almost 4-5 months of talking and geting to know each other he told me that he liked me and had feelings for me, my very first reaction was no because i dont date, and if i ever did he wouldnt be a guy like you. After hearing what i thought about him, he changed, a total turn around. He stopped drinking, smoking up and the gang involvment was minimal because we know that you cant just walk out, he started to attend class and managed to pull his gpa back up so he wasn't going to get kicked out. after i saw the change i liked him, i liked him before too but i knew i wouldnt allow myself to get involved with someone like him. We started to date and right away it was right. I knew i foudn someone that i wanted to spend my life with. After a few months of dating he had a passing away in his family, and his had amajor affect on him and on us since i felt i was being pushed away. We fought for a month but in the end i knew i would have him and he knew he would have me. We started talking about getting married and spending are life together, and by now i was joking and telling him about the ring i wanted when i got married, we would talk about are wedding for hours. Well while my cousin was gettnig married this past october me nanni ji who was here for the wedding knew someohthing was going on with me, and then he called me on the day of the wedding and she picked up the phone. She had asked me what was going on and I told her everything. she was happy but at the same time worried about what would happen if my dadi ji found out about this.

She told me that i needed to tell my mom about this, so i worked up the courage to talk to my mother about all this, and me and my mother are not close, im just their daughter who has never done anything bad, who goes to school and never goes out. i tell my mother about him and she says stop talking to him, I felt everything stop, my own mother was taking someone away from me who made my day alittle better. i explained to her that we arent committing any sins and that he respected me more than that. i knew she thought i was sleeping around but me and him knew that wouldnt happen until we were married. But my mom left me a choice continue wuth him and she would tell everyone at home, and I couldn't see the hurt my dada ji's eyes even though i know dating behind is back isnt respect but i love him. But i ended it with the guy because in the end my family is always there for me, but now th guy i love has ruined his life, he went bac to the way he was, and his parents are fed up with him and i feel like im responsible for ruining his life.

Ive thought about running away but then i think of my mother, i cant leave her but yet she asked me to give up the love of my life. I need to know if respecting your elders is this important that you scarfice your life for them?? ive never done anything in my life ot hurt them and by leaving they know i wont, but what do i do?? if i get married, ill think about everything i planned with him and how i pictured everything with him. This was long but i felt that to fully undeeerstand my problem the history was needed. I just dont know what to do, how can u forget soemone just like that??? Is this what i get for being a good daughter??

But i would like to say thank you for having a place for youth to vent and ask about problems that you can never bring up at home.
SSA
r

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REPLY
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This is definitely a hard situation. I don't think it has to be one or the other. There are so many dynamics with family relations and there is no simple answer. In the SikhNet youth forum the type of issues you are having are brought up quite often. In general most parents do what they do because they want what is best for you. Their motive is to protect you...not to make your life miserable. However some time there is a certain social pressure that makes your parents fearfull and more narrow minded. We are all humans and are subject to errors. Parents will do what they think is right. You should listen carefully to what your parents are telling you and the reasons why they think you should not be with this person. Try to keep an open mind so that you can really hear what they are saying. After doing that you can better decide choices you should make. Hopefully your parents are doing the same and really listening to you too.

When I was younger I was dating and my mother put a lot of pressure on me to stop and get my act together. If it were not for that pressure (which was not very nice) I might not be a sikh today. Sometimes this pressure is really good, beacuse it makes you think. It is better to learn from the lessons of others who have already gone through life much further. You can save yourself a lot of pain. Learning through the "hands of time" is fine...but it might be a longer route.

Bottom line... you have listen to what the reasons your parents are giving you. Meditation on them thoroughly and decide for yourself what is right. God gave everyone the gift of intuition. If you meditation and develop this intuition you will make better choices in life. Many times when dealing with a situation deep down you know what you should do. Tune into that.

If you really love this other person and don't agree with what your parents are telling you, you should talk with them. I don't believe you should be unhappy or give up something that you really want just because someone tells you to. It's not a choice between family and love. If your parent love you...and see that something really means a lot to you they should listen and at least be openminded to hear what you say and how you feel.

I hope the comments give you something to think about. There is no easy answer....but if your intentions are good and you are willing to work through things then the best situation will befall you.

GMS