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Summary of Question:	Marriage And Parents
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Monday, 2/04/2002 7:00 PM MST

I am writing to ask for some advice. I actually wrote to you about my situation about a year ago, titled "Love or Parents," posted on 02/04/01. I had taken your advice and furthermore, I had distanced myself from any marriage plans, be it arranged or love. However, it has now been two years, since I have last seen my boyfriend, but, my feelings are still the same for him, if anything, I love him more now, than I did two years ago. I know what we feel for each other is not lust or anything physical, since we are seperated by distance (he is in India, I am in Canada). Moreover, my boyfriend still feels the same for me, he still wants to marry me, he is waiting for me. In way, I guess our love has been tested, both by time and distance. However, my parents still do not agree, nor do they care to understand. It's been two years, and I thought perhaps they would come around, and the truth is, I don't ever see that happening. My parents will never accept my boyfriend, I have come to realize that fact. I have tried to reason with them, but with little luck. So I am asking you again now, do I have the right to hurt them? I know what my decision is, I am going to marry my boyfriend without their consent. I guess, what I need to know, is how will my actions be viewed by God, I mean, I do not want to intentionally hurt my parents, I do love them, but I am left with no choice. And what would be the best way, to let them know, because I am moving out in 5 months, and I do want to prepare them for this. Any advice would help. Thank you

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Sat Siri Akal, ji.

Well-you have already decided what you are going to do- and the fact that this relationship has been tested by time and space shows that it was no "passing fancy." Sometimes-parents do not understand the role they have with children. The job of a parent is to give a child values and virtues so that the child can face the challenge of tomorrow with strength, courage and dignity. It is not the job of a parent to tell the child what to do with every decision for the rest of the child's life. You must be free to live your destiny, make your choices and handle what those choices bring. The Guru will guide you, your internal wisdom will guide you. You must learn to trust your own decisions or you will live in the duality of doubt the rest of your life. Parents want to control their children-and it comes from a place of love and protection, but ultimatley, it creates such insecurity that the children can never be successful in their lives. Understand one thing: it is not POSSIBLE for you to hurt your parents. Whether or not they feel pain about you is entirely up to them. You cannot make them happy. Only they can make them happy.

I am very grateful to my own parents, who from the time I was young, always told me: "We don't care what you do with your life. As long as you are healthy and happy and you don't wind up in jail, that's all that matters." It was this attitude that allowed me to become a Sikh and know that I would not loose my parents' love or support. They never let whether or not they "agreed" with my decision damage our relationship. Understand that love is unconditional and your parents, who do love you, will eventually come around.

Good luck to you and remember these lessons when you have children of their own. Raise them with good values and then you know-they will always make the right decisions. Raise them to one day have the confidence to be indepedent of you-and that will give them strengh.

God bless.

GPK