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Summary of Question:	I Love A Sikh Woman
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 12/17/2003 9:50 PM MST

During the last year of high school I began noticing a quiet, sweet young woman who sat a row in front of me in calculus. She was beautiful, smart, funny, she thought *I* was funny too. Nobody thinks I’m funny as far as I’m aware. We got along great and worked together on several projects. Eventually I asked her to prom. She put me off originally, but she seemed like the perfect girl, and I could tell she liked being around me, so I started spending time with her outside of class. I hung out with her at her job and, used my free periods to have fun with her. I asked her to prom again and she told me it was a problem with her parents and religion. She wasn't supposed to date, especially not someone who wasn’t Indian. Still, we were both caught and began a clandestine romance. It's been quite a while since she came to me and I really do love her. I know that lying to her parents makes her feel bad, and from the beginning I've wanted us to go to her parents and sort these things out, but she's always insisted that if we do that they'll never understand and could even disown her if she persists in seeing me (they're very strict, and lived in India until ten years ago). I certainly don't want that, but at the same time, I don't want her to have to go through all the heartache involved in maintaining a cloak of secrecy. With that in mind, here's my question; what can I do to make myself more suitable? I'm not a sihk, but I'm respectful, caring, attentive, and I am a strong, goal oriented academic. I'm double majoring in nuclear and mechanical engineering so my career isn’t likely to be an issue. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to fit in, if it means learning the traditions and culture front and back, I’m more than willing to do so. The only exception is converting, which has nothing to do with any deep religious convictions of my own, but rather a belief that it would be disrespectful for me to become a practitioner of a religion just to get closer to my girlfriend’s family. What can I do to make this situation better for my angel?

(REPLY) Sat Nam. I appreciate your honesty in saying that you don't want to convert just to make yourself acceptable to your girlfriend's family. That would be wrong. However, it would be very wise of you to learn all you can about the Sikh religion, and when you have developed an understanding and a respect for this faith, when you have spent some time reading from the Siri Guru Granth Sahib (yes, you don't have to "be" a Sikh to read it, and there are volumes with English translation) -- you may be (and I'm saying MAY be) in a position to approach your girlfriend's family. Unless you are already deeply commited to your own religion ???? you may find that being is Sikh is a great idea! (I did) Meanwhile, you can attend Gurdwaras on your own, to see what our form of worship is like. Hopefully, you're in a place where there are Gurdwaras where English is spoken and you can ask questions of people there. There's also plenty of information on the SikhNet website to explain the basic beliefs. All of this notwithstanding, the biggest problem you will have is a cultural one. And this may be insurmountable. And, if you were to marry without their approval, and if they disowned your wife, she would probably eventually resent you. And what about your future children being deprived of grandparents to relate to them? And you haven't mentioned your own family. So, this is not a simple situation. One of the reasons dating is not "allowed" is to avoid these complications. Young people, who get involved in relationships before marriage usually end up with broken hearts on one side or another. I hope you find a way to make this work out! Of course, you can also pray,especially to Guru Ram Das, the "Lord of Miracles" (There are CD's with the words to that shabd). Right now, you don't even know who he is! So, there's a lot to find out. Blessings, SP