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Summary of Question:	Two Women
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 6/05/2002 2:53 PM MDT

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa,

Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!
After a very long time, I returned to this forum, and as usual, it answered a lot of questions that kept collecting in my mind.
So, I decided to post an issue and ask for help in something I've been dealing with...

I am an amritdhari Sikh, and about a year and a half ago, I met a sikh kuri, and started going out with her. We were highly compatible, and really loved each other. I did not reveal it to my parents at that time, but 6 months later, I told them, thinking that since she is a sikh, they won't object to it.
But i was wrong. THey objected to the fact that her dad trimmed his beard. So, they asked me break it up.
Out of respect for them, I did.
The girl told me that she would stay single until the day I get married.

Just to further emphasise the facts, I would also like to tell u that until I met my ex, she didnt really know much about sikhi. Being with me, she learned a lot, and I learned a lot from her, and now she also wants to get married to an amritdhari guy.

After going through a depression, and a painful and long recovery, I felt I was ready to find someone who they will like as well. A friend of mine, who wears keski and is on her way to taking amrit, showed her interest in me, and I asked her out. Its been about 6 months, and we've been going out.
We had some issues initially since I was still not over my ex and kept going into short phases of depression, but this girl supported me all through.
A few weeks ago, my parents happened to see the picture of my ex's family, and they changed their statement: they said that if they had seen the picture back then, they would have agreed. That really put me in the same depression I was in before.
Now here I am, trying to make it with one, while still not over the other. And now my parents are OK with both.

I do my paths regularly, so that helps me keep my sanity, and my balance, but I am still not a happy person.

My questions are: was it a test that Guru ji was taking to see if my love was pure for my ex, and I failed it??
or
Is it that Guruji wanted me to be with this girl, so He kind of yanked me out of that situation (my ex) and set me up with this girl (my gf)?

I know that its all in the len-den that we have to finish our hisaab with individuals, but how do we know where my hisaab with my ex finished and what tells me that my hisaab with my current gf is not finished?

Also, from a generic point of view, what should I look for in a girl before making the final decision.

Thanks for taking the time, and I apologize for the long email.

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Waheguru Ji Ki fateh!

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Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh.

God bless you brother. Maya has truly got you in confusion.

Well-here's my take on your situation, for what its worth. I hope you find it helpful.

Guru teaches us to not be attached to anyone or anything except the Guru. Your attachment to your parents caused you to call it off with the first girl. Your attachment to the first girl caused you suffering and depression. Your attachment to the second girl is more about doing right by your parents. And now your parents are leaving it up to you-taking the rug out from under you. This is Guru's wake-up call. What you have to do in this life is about His will, not anyone else's. Come to a meditative place inside yourself and surrender to His Will, no matter what the cost.

Now-the question is -how will I know what His Will is? Living in a quiet, meditative way throughout the day, watch the play of Maya and look for the Guru to guide you to the right decision. He is there, giving you clues all the time. You just need to become centered enough and neutral enough to hear them.

And remember this: no matter who you marry (or who you do not marry)-a wife can be a great partner, but your happiness depends upon you. The only lasting contentment is found through the Guru's instruction. Because you are in a place of duality, I highly recommend that you come to a deep meditative stability within yourself before making any choices-or it will be too easy a year from now or two years from now to ask, "What would have happened if I picked the other girl?"

As to how to choose a wife? It's very simple. Choose a woman who will support your spiritual identity above all other things. Select a woman who would rather see you be a good Sikh than rich, rather you be a good Sikh than powerful, rather you be a good Sikh than famous. The subconscious projection of a woman has a very intense impact on a man and you want to match with a woman who loves you as a spiritual Sikh first, and everything else second. Less than that and it is better for you not to marry. I tell you this from my own personal experience. It is better to stay single and have no children and be able to live your commitment to the Guru, than marry someone who wants you to devote all your time and energy pursuing Maya, and who will give birth to insecure and prideful children.

Hope this answer is not too heavy and has offered you at least a little bit of support. Good luck and may God and Guru bless you.


GPK

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa,
Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh.