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Summary of Question:	Confusion Of Society
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Saturday, 6/16/2001 10:29 AM MDT

Sat Sri Akaal.

Im a 20 year old student from England. I was born and raised here and have inevitably adopted much of the westernised lifestyle.
I would like to share my experience of a recent personal encounter which affects many indians in todays day and age.

This issue concerns love and marriage.
Not long ago, I was in a relationship with a jatt girl. She was a respectable, honest and mature person. Within the first year of our relationship, she mentioned to me that her parents were suggesting to her that they were going to look for a partner for her in order to find her someone to marry. She was not keen on the idea and as a result she became worried about our relationship.
We both discussed the situation and the possible paths to overcome this problem. She seemed certain that her parents were stubborn and that their way would be the only way.
We both decided that the wisest path to take would be the honest one - to bring our relationship out in the open to her parents. She told her mother, father and grandmother of the situation and that I was of different caste. Upon hearing it, they were more shocked and surprised than angry and needed time to absorb what they had been told. As she expected, her parents said there was no way anything could happen between us and claimed there were good reasons. The girl was heartbroken by her parents decision. Her grandmother reacted harshly and interrogated the girl for her actions.
I was also deeply hurt by the situation. I was unsure of what to do. I asked her if I could speak to her father. We spoke, and he knew I was a decent person and even admitted so. However, he said that nothing could happen between his daughter and I for many reasons. The main reason he claimed was that love marriages are highly unsuccessful and cause problems. The real reason which he and I both really knew about was the fact that I was of a different caste. I was not Jatt and due to that fact i was considered as being "low".
I was upset, angry and hated him for his decision and I was unable to see the situation from his perspective.
However, the girl and I were keen to try and make this work and agreed time may result in her parents becoming more understanding. We kept our fingers crossed but there was little hope.
At this stage, I told my parents about the situation. They said they were willing to support me and help me however they could and they did. During this time the girl was living a very restricted life within her family and was deeply emotionally hurt.
I decided to go the gurdwara and seek the advice of a local figure who has helped many people in my situation. I told him the story. He said that the major issue was caste. He helped me understand that caste was not part of sikhism and nor is it encouraged. He explained a lot to me in terms of religion and helped me handle the situation and understand it much more. He suggested that i meet the girls parents in person and speak to them.

I met the girls parents. I acted respectfully as i could and i discussed things with them. Her mother and father explained that nothing could happen between us and that it never would.
What really surprised me is that her father said if i was a TRUE SIKH i would understand. However, he himself had cut hair and was a drinker and smoker who rarely visited the gurdwara. The girls grandmother claimed that i was lucky for not being "physically beaten" and said i would be punished for everything i had done.

I understand a daughter is most precious to a family but i never acted irresponsibly and showed utmost respect at ALL times.

Towards the end of the situation i assured her family that i would never do anything they didnt approve of and wished them success. I told her father that i hoped he made the right decision by denying me to marry his daughter. I also told him that i pray that he never looks back at the day he said NO to me becoming a part of his daughters life.

We are both now running seperate lives and respected her parents wishes.

Her grandmother is amritari but sweared at me and acted aggresively. If she was a real sikh she would not even think about caste. Instead she said I was a shame on her family name.

I will end this story by saying:

"ELDERS ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, THEY OFTEN ARE BUT NOT ALWAYS. AGE CAN MAKE YOU WISE, BUT SIKHI CAN MAKE YOU WISER"

Finally my question... WHEN WILL CASTE DISCRIMINATION END...NEVER?

Sat Sri Akaal

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REPLY
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Dear One--

Sat Siri Akaal. Wow, what a story, thank you for sharing it. I am pained to see that her family did not take the high road of living as Guru Gobind Singh instructed. I commend you both on how you approached the situation, but agree that her family did not act according to Sikh values, only according to Indian/caste cultural values, which as you have experienced, still bind and divide us.

To answer your question, I do not know WHEN caste discrimination will end, but I feel confident that it WILL end. It will end will people stop living caste, and it will end when more and more people such as you protest it and resist in every way living it.

Guru rakha,
-DKK