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|Summary of Question:||Can't Seem To Find A Way Out!|
|Date Posted:||Tuesday, 2/15/2011 4:00 PM MST|
After completing my masters in India, I started preparing for GRE so I could get into a good American university for Masters program, which was my ultimate dream. After a lot of hard work I did get admitted and started with my program in Fall 2010. After I actually started studying I realized that the education system is way different from India and that the major I chose is not my cup of tea anymore. I used to find it interesting when I was in India but here in US its way different and I don't like it anymore.
To add to my misery, in the mid of the semester I met the guy with whom I had plans to get married to. The purpose of the meeting was to decide on this marriage thing because we had only talked over the phone since 1.5 years and never dated(we used to work together earlier). We met and we clicked and we decided that we should talk to our families now. Since the meeting, I was very much distracted from my studies. He went back to Canada (where he lives)and says that he feels more fulfilled and focused about his life now since the marriage decision has been taken. But I've been thinking about him all the time and my disinterest in my studies added to my frustration.
Finally the first semester ended with not so good score and I was very disappointed at myself because I always wanted to get good marks. Thereafter, I decided that I will not waste anymore time and put in my best efforts and more time and improve in the 2nd semester. But after attending the first few classes I realized that I should not do this program at all because I did not get a single word in the 3 hour long class and this happened in all the classes I have attended so far. I felt very frustrated and dumb as I could not follow a single word. Finally i decided to withdraw. It is disappointing cuz I have to go back to India with my dreams unrealized. I am already working with my school's career counselor to decide on what career I should switch to now because at this stage i am not in a state of mind to take the right decision about switching my major, nor do I feel confident about my decisions.
Our parents have agreed for the marriage which might happen by the end of this year. I somehow feel like a failure, as I have not achieved what I came here for. I feel embarrassed at the thought of being a school drop-out. My guy always encourages me, he says God has a better plan and it's good that I am quitting my studies since Canadian people always prefer Canadian education for good jobs. He says he would let me study after marriage and he will pay for it. I still feel embarrassed at the wrong choice about my major and that too at the graduate level, which nobody else does. I feel embarrassed and have low self esteem. I have no confidence left.. I have started hating myself as i could not fulfill my parents expectations of graduating from a top American school and my own expectation of getting good marks and doing well in life...
In one post SK suggested someone not to over intellectualize, I liked the idea but it's hard to follow. I keep thinking all the time. I do not want to think but the more I try not to, the more I do. I am negative all the time. I am drenched in self hatred.
I also tend to doubt my loved ones and even my guy. I fear that the guy might not leave me, although there is no such symptom yet. Please tell me how should I get positive or at least normal. I want to get rid of these fears. I hate my present mindset, this is not the real me, I want to get back to my original self. Please help me. I sincerely want to come out of it. My life is not as bad as I think but why am I not able to think straight? I am regular in doing paatth but i can't focus at all so I can't find peace.
Please help me get back to my real self. Also tell me if I made the right decision of quitting my studies. I no longer feel confident about my decisions.
Thanks for your time, help me as your little sister. I do not want to give up on life. I want to live and enjoy it, not ruin it.
Dear one, in this country it is very normal for people to choose a major or a course of study and then find out that it is just not for them. Better that you find out now then at the end of your studies when you start your job. You are being hard on yourself and in lots of self judgement. Rather use that energy to explore another major. I know many foreign students that change their majors and continue with their studies. You can do the same. You are lucky you are engaged and he has understanding. SO be more kind to yourself and drop the self criticism and apply yourself to another course of study. Keep UP! SK