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Summary of Question:	Forced Into Divorce....
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 3/05/2004 5:33 AM MST

I would simply like to know if there is any assistance available from my community/society which has placed me in my current situation. I married 3 years ago to someone i was introduced to. I have always put the wishes of my family before those of my own, in the hope that 'one day' someone will put my wishes first. My family have given me a good strong and educated up bringing, but somehow i have failed to please the family i married into. In retrospect i have tried my upmost to fit into my marital family, but seem to have failed. My husband has had much love for me and his family but has been torn between the two. He has had so much emotional pressure and stress from his family to let go of me that we are now in the process of a divorce. This is a family that puts themselves at the forefront in our local society/gurdwara. Where in our religion is this encouraged? I have been brought up to believe in marriage for life? what hope does my generation have with the elder generation encouraging such behaviour? where do i go from here?

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Sat Siri Akaal. I never cease to be amazed at how families support an engagement and marriage and then make the bride move in and decide the bride isn't good enough. My heart goes out to you. You cannot live only for others, you have to include you in the equation. That sounds selfish, but if doing something ONLY to please others doesn't also please you or if it makes you uncomfortable, then who are YOU? I'm not advocating 'me first and only first' here, but I am advocating drawing boundaries as to what is and is not acceptable for others to ask of one. From what you say, it sounds like the marital family abused you by foisting their expectations and internal idea of who you should be upon you and never saw you for who you really are.

I am sorry it came to divorce. Your experience is not the Sikh way, nor is the interminable pressure a bride gets from her in-laws the Sikh way either. It is an Indian cultural tradition, but a review of all the pains our 10 Gurus took to raise the status and respect for women will show you that your marital experience is not the Sikh way.

First of all, do not blame yourself. While it takes 2 people to have any kind of relationship, brides/wives who write this Forum are usually finding themselves at wit's end with trying to please in-laws. And most of the time, they say their husband is quiet or sides with his parents. (Your husband was obviously torn too, but he should not have let them force divorce! He should have stood his ground for both of you.) The in-laws and their expectations or demands are just as much a part of the problem. Before you married, did they tell you what they expected? Ask yourself was there any realistic chance of EVER pleasing them? Please do not blame yourself. You are who you are, as Waheguru made you.

I am sure in UK there are organizations that will help you adapt to divorced living and healing from the pain you are in. I do not know how to find them from here, but the telephone directory would be a start, maybe starting with women's health organizations. They usually have info on the variety of resources available for women. Meanwhile, do not internalize that you are a bad person. Hold your head high and refuse, internally, to ever be put in such a situation again. Stay involved in a gurdwara community you resonate with, and find other Sikh women your age who you can create a women's support group with. Play kirtan and practice meditation together. You might found counseling helpful as well, for a counselor can help you get perspective on the situation. Good luck. Guru ang sang,
-DKK