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Summary of Question:	Fallen Sikh
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Friday, 8/17/2001 7:09 PM MDT

Lately I don't know what's going on with me. I am a baptised sikh and I've noticed that i have started to do things that i did not do before. I am watching alot of tv alot of music videos besides that I am slowly putting on make-up and leaving my hair uncovered. It's been more than a month since i've done my nitnem. i just can't seem to do it anymore, it's as if i've lost the drive to. whta is wrong with me/ i believe that i am a fallen sikh and i don't feel comfortable doing my prayer anymore because i feel guilty for doing bad stuff and then doing prayer. what should i do?

also my conscience is bothering me about a boy that i felt attracted to many years back. it's been so strong that all i keep doing is thinking about him. i am angaged and will be married to another man soon so i don't understand why all of a sudden i'm thinking of this guy. please help me what should i do?

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal.

It seems one of two things, or both, are occurring. 1) Resistance to being married, or to marrying your fiance. My first question to you, then, is deep down do you want to marry/this man? If you deep down fear for your happiness by marrying this fellow, then this could be why you are remembering past crushes, and it could also be why you have stopped practicing as a Sikh.

2) Perhaps your conciousness needs you to be clear on WHY you got baptized and what you get out of being Amritdhari Sikh. Now, it is not uncommon for many many Amritdhari Sikhs to have periods of 'slacking' such as yours. But sometimes people take Amrit because it's the thing to do, or they have some outside pressure to do so, and they haven't really asked themselves if they are ready and willing to be fully Sikh and Khalsa. So this could be coming up in your mind as well, and it is worth praying and asking yourself and Guru what is best for you. You know, some folks who are born Sikh are not meant to be Sikh. It happens, just as I was not meant to be Catholic. Perhaps this is going on.

That said, you are only as 'fallen' as you choose to be or believe yourself to be. Guru writes off your account; this is stated again and again in Siri Guru. So if you sincerely want Guru's grace and SINCERELY practice at whatever level you practice, Guru will come to you. Let go of this guilt trip you are on. If you want to 'come back' consider yourself already back in Guru's eyes. Then act on it. And practice the Naam daily. Read the first 8 pauris of Sukhmani Sahib, if you need to remind yourself what Naam Simran can do for you.

Remember, it is Guru that has put you through this test of Self. Guru wants to see what you will do. Will you take hold of your conciousness and take pride in who you are as a Gursikh? The CHOICE is yours.

Guru ang sang,
-DKK