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Summary of Question:	How Do You Define Family ''Help"
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Thursday, 12/02/2004 2:55 AM MST

Sat sri akaal to all the moderators who are doing an excellent job and may god bless you to carry on doing this wonderful seva.

My question/situation is that, mu cousin has come to stay with us on a 6 month visa from India and is due back early next year. When he initaly wanted to come and stay he would phone on a regulary basis and beg for us to send him the necassary paperwork in order to get him over here.
He has been here now for almost 4 months. What I have noticed over the period of time that he has been here is that he is taking advantage of the family as a whole. Just a few examples:- he asks for expensive clothes, trainers which my parents are more than happy to buy him. He makes phone calls to his wife back in india without first obtaining permission from my parents, he expects that we should should take him to see relatives at the drop of a hat. You see where this is leading.
I have raised this with my parents who have told me that this is not the case and the fact that he will be going back soon and that it will not last forever.
My response to them was that, when I was younger and used to ask for 'expensive' trainers they would refuse saying that I don't need them and to make do with what I have. When the phone bill usually comes, my dad is usually irate and says that it should only be so much but for the last 4 months or so he has not said anything. Anytime we ask if they want to go to a certain relatives house, they would respond by saying that they don't come to ours so why should i go to theirs.
My parents say that this is not the case and that I did get things when I was younger.

I just want to ask how much help can by parents give my cousin and why they turn a blind eye to him taking advantage and when I compare my situation to my cousins they say that is not the case. I feel a sense of anger and frustration towards my parents and my cousin. Is it natural for me to feel this way or should I ignore it and put it down to being a part of life.

Many Thanks

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reply
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Dear one,
Sat Siri Akaal. Put it down to life. Especially if you are female, sorry to say, where such inequalities are common in the same family, I have seen. Your parents have some kind of familial pressure going on with cousin's folks back in India. It is very common for Indian families in the West to feel they have to give family members VISITING from India the red carpet /royal treatment. It's a status thing. If the cousin is the son of your father's OLDER brother, this is probably even more the case. It sounds like the treatment is indeed unfair, and it appears to bother your parents but they feel they cannot say a thing to the cousin or HIS parents, who would surely hear about it. Don't rub it in on them, I'm sure they agree with you secretly. Be polite, and learn from this experience. It is a shame that this cousin thinks that being in America is all about status and designer trainers. Guru ang sang,
-DKK