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Summary of Question:	Dating Out Of Race??!?!
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 10/17/2002 7:01 PM MDT

Im white, but my best friend is a sikh, and her cousin introduced me to his Sikh friend. We have talked for about 2 months online, and I'm really starting to fall for him, and I know he is to. We have to keep our relationship kind of *hidden* because of the fact that I'm white and his parents might not approve. But anyways, he's coming up to my city in December, but i just visited him in his city about 1 week ago. I really love him, and I dont want our different races/cultures to force us to break apart! Do u have any advice to help keep our relationship going? *Thanx*

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Sat Siri Akal.

It's about the values, not about the attraction, and that's a tough lesson for young people in the modern world to understand. When you say that you love him, what are you really saying? That you're attracted to him and you want to kiss him and be with him in a physical way? Or are you saying that you want to marry him, share your life with him, have children with him and commit yourself completely to him?

Let me be blunt for a moment. Sex is not love and love is not commitment. You've been talking a couple months on line, and for women especially - sex, love and commitment often feel like the same thing. He wants me therefore he must love me therefore he must want to be with me. This isn't a question of you're white, he's not, he's a Sikh, you're not. This is a question for you: what are you doing? What are your intentions? What are his intentions? What's the reality here?

It's easy to think that things are more than what they really are, and it's human nature to read into another person's words and actions what we want to see in them. So be very very careful of what is going on. Do not confuse sex with love. Do not think that sex is a sign that someone wants to commit to you. It may be nothing more than he's horny, you're available and after having a good time, there isn't going to be any race/culture issue to negotiate because there isn't a basis for a real relationship anyway.

Whatever issues, questions, potential pitfalls you see - do yourself a huge favor and talk about them with him straight up front, and get clarity about them. Don't let your relationship be hidden. If he's not willing to tell his parents about you, then how serious is he, anyway? What's he really after? Ask him everything. Do you love me? What does love mean to you? How do you see our futures working together? What have you told your family about me? When do you think you'd like to get married? If he's a man of character and really does love you and really sees you in his future, he will be able to sit and discuss all of these things with you very honestly. Then, you can work the issues out together and that is the best way to keep the relationship going. If, however, all these questions scare him off - then you've done yourself a service and kept yourself from getting hurt, because he's not serious about you- he's just playing you. So - talk about it all with him, make him your partner in solving these problems and that will give you the kind of foundation that survives past infatuation.

God bless and good luck.

All love.

GPK