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Summary of Question:	Have I Done The Right Thing In This Engagement?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 1/30/2003 4:11 AM MST

Sat sri akal

I feel that the situation Im facing is one that many Sikh girls face and i dont actually know if I have made the right decision. Six months ago my parents introduced me to a boy and after just one meeting i had to decided whether i would marry him. on meeting him he seemed really sweet so i said yes... but now six months down the line i am really questioning what i have done... the wedding hasnt been set and the official engagement is a few months away so now i am in an emotional panic. to be quite honest, i realised i was in doubt after the first few weeks but i coulndnt find anything specifally wrong with him so i had no reason to say no. its not that i have feelings for someone else, its just that i believe marriage is a life time commitment and i just cant face spending my life in a loveless marriage. i know he really loves me and to be quite honest i know that he will do his best to make me happy so even having such doubts makes me feel guilty. we have trust and respect in our relationship but the love is all one sided. i want to love him but i just dont. if i were to back out i know it would really hurt our parents and he would be devastated. sometimes i think i ought to tell him how i feel but he really is a brilliant person and i dont want to cause him unneccesay pain. if i am going to be married to him, why hurt him. i was just wondering if anyone out there understands my worry??? and i feel i just need the reassurance that i have done the right thing. i will only marry once and God only knows how much effort will put into my marriage to make it work. but should i get out of this and wait for someone i can fall in love with? or should i just go along with the situation and pray that i will learn to love him???
Any advice would be much appreciated.

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REPLY
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Sat Siri Akaal. It is profoundly unfair to be forced to marry someone you have doubts about. I don't know where it is written that girls should have to marry the person their parents choose for them, but that is the way of Indian among other cultures. I do know that if you feel you cannot overcome your doubts then you shouldn't go into it. Some cold feet is normal. Doubts are normal even for folks who know and love each other, but if your life happiness is at stake, then you cannot put your parents or this boy first, because they are not YOU and if one of you is unhappy in a marriage, then BOTH of you are, period. Certainly NOW is the time to break it off before any formal ceremonies are held.

On the other hand, I have seen two strangers marry and make a go of marriage and grow into loving each other. It can work both ways. The first thing I recommend you do is meditate daily on the Naam for at least 30 minutes in a quiet space. Chant verbally or mentally, use a tape if it helps. Get a meditative mind and while you Naam Jaap ask Guru for guidance. Your parents will is NOT necessarily Guru's will: know this. Our parents are trustees for our lives, not the president, CEO and branch manager, though they forget this. I know I am speaking as a westerner but clearly your doubts need SOME voice. The meditation on the Naam should give you the clarity you need to KNOW if you should proceed or put your foot down and say no. The boy will be upset but he WILL get over it, I'm certain. As will you and your family. I am aware that saying no puts you in a bind with your parents, but if your parents care about YOUR happiness, and not their status in the eyes of the community, they will respect your concerns.
Good luck. Guru ang sang,
-DKK