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Summary of Question:I Don't Want To Have Sex
Category:Love & Marriage
Date Posted:Tuesday, 6/02/2009 4:46 PM MDT

So my husband and I HAVE been married for like 3 months and it has been really great. We are both sikh...he is a turban wearing full dhara singh...and i do still cut my hair but i am physically attracted to him. he is my soul mate and we both waited til after marriage to have sex.


thing is like other wives, women i dnt really like sex! i do it for his own pleasure but i just dont enjoy it! i dnt know whats wrong with me? like i like being close to him, i like cuddling and chilling with him but i dont actually enjoy sex and sometimes it hurts!

there have been a few occassions when i have enjoyed but they were only like about 3-4 times. i love him dearly and i know he is the one for me that god has chosen. but i have sex for him no for me....at the moment i have exams so have an excuse not to do it but am dreading it once these exams are over
what i wrong with me?

why dont i want to have sex?


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REPLY
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First of all, be accepting and forgiving of yourself - don't phrase it as "what's wrong with me?" Try to just relax about it. Physical intimacy and the emotions surrounding it are complicated - it can take a lot of time and patience for two people to get to know eachother. There is no "standard" or "normal" way of relating to intimacy - this is simply a myth from many books/tv/movies. There are large numbers of people who feel very much like you, and large numbers of people who feel completely different - neither is right or wrong or normal or weird. Just seek to find what fits for you and your husband.

Problems in a relationship need to be worked out by both people, so the first step is sharing this problem with your husband. Communication is difficult! So think about it, and think about how it might make him feel, how it might affect him, and be compassionate in your communication. Be clear that it is a problem, but that it is not a rejection of him - you love him, you are committed, but you have this problem nonetheless, and the two of you need to work on it. Also, don't reject yourself on account of this problem, and don't accept rejection from him. Understand that it may be difficult for him, so try not to react if his reaction is unpleasant. Give it time! Powerful emotions come in a flash, but love & commitment are steady over time. Respond with compassion through your experience of love, commitment, & mutual respect, rather than any emotions that appear in the moment.

You may want to consider a relationship counselor, or books on sex & intimacy. Examine this issue yourself and see what you can discover. Examine your feelings, your reactions (both conscious & automatic, sub-conscious) to situations, and try and imagine the feelings you would like to have, and the responses you would like to have. You need to understand both his desires (and aversions) and your own and find a way that you can be together and enjoy eachother.

Considering that it is generally unpleasant and even painful for you, it is important that he learns to take his time, get to understand you, and be sensitive of your needs. Don't forget that this works both ways, though - you also need to understand him and be sensitive of his needs (sometimes we make sacrifices for our partners to our own detriment, but this should not be a consistent approach to your sex life). Three months of marriage is a short period of time - many couples let problems like this fester for years! Take the time to tackle it now. Be patient, communicate, and keep working to understand eachother and be sensitive to eachother.

It is good that there have at least been a few times that were enjoyable for you - think about those times and what you enjoyed, and next time playfully coax and cajole him to re-create that experience. Women often communicate indirectly, men tend to be more direct. Sometimes it can be good for a woman to be very direct with her husband and tell him specifically what she likes or dislikes. It is easy for a man to focus on the release, and forget to take some time, be playful, and explore. Many women take a while to get warmed up - if a man is already done before the woman is even warmed up, then there is no enjoyment for the woman. Don't be shy to initiate intimacy yourself - engage with him in whatever way makes you feel intimate, loving, and happy, and delay the initiation of intercourse until you are ready.
-- MSS



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