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Summary of Question:	Destined To Be Together?
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Thursday, 12/01/2005 7:43 AM MST

WJKK WJKF

I would just like to know if it's wrong to have the desire to be with a girl as well as become closer to Waheguru? I'm asking this question, because I think there is a girl who has come into in my life who I really feel could be my soul mate, but due to current cirumstances, we cannot be together, as she is very much attached to and 'in love' with her ex-boyfriend of 3 years. Though she knows it cannot work out in the long term with this person as he is much lower caste than her and her parents would not accept it (she is the same caste as me), she is in denial in the state of their relationship (she claims that they are not together as they have broken up, but they are very close to each other still and spend a lot of time with each other). She is a Sikh also, but she primarily follows 'Krishna Conscientious' views, which were taught to her by her ex-boyfriend during a time in her life when she was lacking any form of spiritual knowledge. I believe these views are similar to those found within Sikhism, but I am unsure as I do not regulary read Gurbani or do simran, and I would love to be able to know more about Sikhism so that I could teach her more about it. We both share similar beliefs in spirituality, but as we have both just recently started university, there are many vices and distractions which are leading us away from a spiritual path. I want to become closer to Waheguru in my life, but I also want this girl to follow this path with me. Effectively, I would like to know:

1. What can I do to become closer to Waheguru? I try to lead a good life and be compassionate for others and work hard and be honest, but I know this is not enough, and at times I fail to do this even. How can I learn to do Simran and read Paath? What steps do I need to take to become closer to Waheguru?

2. Is it right for me to have these kind of feelings for this girl? I recently told her how I felt about her, but when she explained to me that she can't be with anyone else because she still has feelings for her ex, whom she isn't officially with (and she wishes she could get over him), it has and is causing me a great deal of suffering. Despite this however, I STILL want her as a part of my life, as I feel like I have a special spiritual connection with her as we have both had simalar past experiences regarding how we became aware of a spiritual path in life. I know it may sound a little strange, but one quote I have come across: "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. Rather they alone are called husband and wife, who have one soul in two bodies." (Guru Amar Das, Pauri, pg. 788) comes into mt mind when I think of her. Is it just attachment, which I know is fundamentally wrong in Sikhism, which has drawn me to her, and therefore causing me pain because I cannot be with her? Or is my intuition about her correct and she is my soul mate, the one I'm meant to tread the spiritual path with? How can I go about finding this answer? And if possible, what can I do to become closer to this girl?

WJKK WJKF

II would also like to thank the moderators of this site for providing an outlet for young Sikhs across the world to express their thoughts and seek guidance in their life. You're doing a wonderful thing for the youth out there who seek guidance in their times of need.

---reply

Having a successful relationship is very difficult and you have many strikes against you already with this girl. I'm not saying its impossible, but it will take time, patience and persistance...and then it still may not work out. You have to be ready for not having any expectations.

First of all, develop your relationship with Wahe Guru. That is the foundation for your life and for your partnership, with whom it ever turns out to be. I don't know what your resources or connections are where you are. If you have a Gurdwara, go and try to connect with a mentor you relate to. Read all you can on this SikhNet site and anywhere else. Go to a youth camp, talk to other youth and young people. Read Path. Do Banis. Do whatever you can to connect to the Infinite.

Secondly, don't put this girl under any pressure. Rebound relationships usually don't work out. Live your life, develop your connection to Wahe Guru and be her friend without any expectations. Relax, be impersonally friendly free of any hidden agendas with this girl. She needs to first accept that this other relationship is over, then she needs to heal herself, then she needs to examine what relationship she wants to her spirituality, then she needs to figure out what she wants in her life. That will all take a couple years at least. If you push her it could be disasterous. Don't. Be patient and don't wait for her. Look around. There may be someone who is exactly what you need in your life as a partner. Give it all to Wahe Guru. He will guide you and keep you safe. Your ego will make a mess of things, so chant God's Name and keep your mind neutral. I hope this is helpful. Keep us posted. GTKK